Virtual Fools

Every year for as long as I can remember, I have come to New Jersey for vacation. My grandparents own a beach house at Long Beach Island (an awesome place). Never before have I spent so long at LBI as this year. A whole month. Once, I pulled off three weeks… but I was about dead then. Now I have a car and life, so it’s all good.

I love New Jersey. It’s a great state. Home of the Sopranos, trashy boardwalks, the Kevin Smith movies, and Skee-Ball… sweet glorious Skee-Ball. Already this vacation has been off to a good start, and for your reading pleasure I will try to chronicle my adventures. I brought up the digital camera, and have taken some 200 pictures all over the place.

I will begin my Jersey Chronicles by explaining some of the unique things that make this place great.

First: Functional Housing.

Waste not, want not. I don’t really understand that phrase, but it seems to apply here. The houses in New Jersey like to take advantage of all their open space. This is why you will find decks on the roofs of houses. Most houses other places in the world put their decks on the sides of their house, or have a porch… but this place LOVES to throw them sucka’s up on the top of the house. No wasted space!

The second functional aspect is something that I have never seen before. It’s really amazing what these Jersey folk will come up with as far as housing is concerned. I would like to say that these houses have had no construction on them since I took these pictures. Not a thing has been changed, nor any attempt to fix the appearent mistake. This is why I asume that it is normal in Jersey to have…

FLYING DOORS!!!

Yes, that’s right. Fully unfunctional flying doors. Yes, I have seen people in these houses. The one on the right is understandable, for there are other doors in this house. But the left house is just fucked up. That’s the goddamned front door! A little too weird for my likings…Second: Rocks.

Long Beach Island is a summer place. There are not that many people that live here all year round. So, for that reason, grass is a rarity. Instead, we have rocks. Yes, the ground is covered with rocks. I had to build up callouses on my feet before I came down here, just to make sure my little tootsies wouldn’t die when I got here.

You get fairly used to the rocks that make up your yard… but the ones that seep out into the street will always fuck with you. You’ll just be walking home from the beach, barefoot, minding your own business when suddenly one of those little mother fuckers that are hard to see drives into your foot like OJ’s knife into Nicole!! It’s pain enough to bring a grown man to his knees. I’d rather get kicked in the balls. Oddly enough, rocks here in Jersey are not contempt with being on the ground. I found a rebellious group of rocks that must have used their Rock Union leadership to land them this gig:

Nice treatment for rocks, aye? They were just lounging in this bowl when I passed by. Of course, I returned them to the dust of the earth, being the nice guy that I am.Third: Water.

“But, Bobby” you say. “You’re at the beach, there is supposed to be water there!” Yeah, no shit. But I don’t live on the beach, and therefore my house should not be waterfront. But it was. At least for a few hours. We were just sitting, watching Wargames, and BAM! It begins to pour!!! And this is just a normal Jersey rain. That twenty minute shower did this…

You gotta love that house on the left… the one on stilts. Good thing they were up there, else they woulda been screwed!! I feel bad for suckers like us with houses on the ground. This says a whole lot about the Jersey sewer system. I went out in the water to take these pictures, but I noticed after an hour my legs began to burn. They didn’t feel better for about 15 minutes… had to hose them down three times. I don’t like that one bit…

This fire hydrant is actually about a foot above the ground	Just because there’s water in the street doesn’t give these guys the right to drive their boat around like their gods.

Traffic… and not the good Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta-Jones type. The bad kind.
“Water water everywhere, so let’s all have a drink.” - Homer J. Simpson

Gotta love those college kids. Always willing to kill themselves for the cause of comedy.

What a great advertisement this would make. Perfect shot.

So, as you can clearly see, New Jersey is a wonderful place. Beautiful beaches, vast clear waters, sitting waterside sipping a fruity tropical drink served by a hot waitre… Oh. Wait. Nevermind. I got Jersey mixed up with the Bahamas. I often do that. My bad. Ummm… “Hey! What’s that over there?!?” (Sound of running, door opening and shutting, car turning on, rolling out of a stone drive way, then screeching down the street.)