Ahh. Year two at Long Beach Island in New Jersey for Virtualfools… both me and Kevin. There’s not much to do here at Long Beach Island as far as doing things at night. There’s a small place where everyone goes that I might sometime review, but other than that, there is not much. So, for entertainment, Kevin and I must travel out of this land and search for new lands. New lands named…
You will probably recognize the name because it’s where MTV’s summer beach house is this year. Since I don’t watch MTV anymore (aside from MTV2), I had no idea it was there, but my sister told me about it. The drive from where we were was very easy. We passed through Tom’s River New Jersey, “Home of the Little League World Series Champions 1999!!!” Huzzah! As per
every ocean front attraction in New Jersey, you have to drive over a causeway to get to the goods. It was here were I was discussing how much I hate it when people take pictures from inside of the car through the front windshield to show the effect of driving. I hate that sooo much. Why do we even give a fuck what the back of the head of the driver looks like? Is this picture going to help us recognize the area when we get there? “Ooh look! I remember seeing that exact pillar of the bridge on that Virtualfools website! Blah blah blah!”
This is us driving to Seaside Heights.Welcome to the land of carnival games and… carnival games. The boardwalk is one giant game. The object of the game is to avoid as many “One Win, One Choice” games as possible while keeping your composure and dignity. It’s hard not to just yell, “hey shit-pisser, leave me the
fuck alone. I don’t want your stinkin’ boxes of candy or your Runt bicycles.” God I hate runt bicycles. How the hell could you ride it?
“Holds up to 300 pounds!” Yeah, what good is that if you can’t get around on the little shit. See what I mean:
The Runt Bicycle. One of the most sought after items at the Jersey Shore.The guy that started the scooter trend and the pog trend is the same guy that started the brewing Runt trend. I’m serious as well. Go look it up on the Internet. I plan on starting a new trend. It’s the new and hip plastic pig trend! Who doesn’t like plastic pigs? And they’ll be pink and you can take them anywhere. They’re good on the beach, in the pool, in the baby’s playpen… anywhere! This was my brilliant plan, but there’s a slight problem…
They beat me to it. Guy can’t even get a piece of the pie anymore.The dollar store stole my idea. But I think they deserve it a little more. They are selling some of the best products on the boardwalk, including the…
A harmonica in the shape of an ear of corn? Brilliant! Must be the Runt/Pog guy’s idea.If you think that dollar stores only carry crap, you’re mistaken. I can see how the following could have gotten the way it is had these toys been knock-offs. But this is actually officially sanctioned merchandise. There doesn’t seem to be that big of a market for Star Wars Blasters at the beach, but the dollar store doesn’t think so.
The Naboo Pistol, Battle Droid Rifle… Who could ask for more? But this isn’t what we came to Seaside Heights for. We came here to have some fun, and by god we will have some fun. The question now is what’s fun in Seaside Heights? I thought that maybe I’d ask around to see if anyone knew… and who better to go to than someone who has nothing better to do than watch everything on the boardwalk…
Jumbo Hanging Gizmo will know!Bobby: So Gizmo, what can we do while we’re here?
Gizmo: Get… me… down…
Bobby: Get down? You mean dance? How about that arcade game ‘Dance Dance Revolution 3rd Mix’?
Gizmo: Help… me…
Kevin: Help you dance? No thank you. The last thing I need is Judge Reinhold on my case for trying to teach you how to dance.
Bobby: Yeah. You should stick to a life where little kids think you’re a Furby and ask their mommies why you won’t talk to them.
Gizmo: You’ll… be… sorry…
Kevin: Did he say bee? Dude, I think I know what he’s talking about.
Bobby: Thank you jumbo Gizmo. You’re information was both enlightening and entertaining. Good tidings to you.
It’s off to seek out a bee, for where there’s a bee, there’s a way. Or honey. Everybody knows that bees make hunny. “Oh, I’m just a little black rain cloud… hovering under, a hunny tree. I’m just a little black rain cloud pay no attention, to little me…” Shit, I’m sorry. Just a little Winnie-The-Pooh flashback.
Moving right along. Gizmo told us to, “Be ourselves,” or something of the sort. I distinctly remember when we first got on the boardwalk I saw a sign. And not the Ace of Base kind. I’m talkin’ a real life sign. Like that fine piece of ass we had just passed. “Don’t turn around!” Kevin exclaimed. “All that she wants
Fuck beans!!!One of the girls with us isn’t tall enough to enjoy the taste of Honey Nut Cheerios. So what the fuck are we gonna do now? It’s highly doubtful that Captain Crunch will let us back into his place, considering when we left Kevin shouted, “Why the shit did you get rid of Crunch Berries?” and then something about some cock and it being sucked by the Captain… I wasn’t quite too sure on that part. We need someone new now to be our Naval figure. Being bright people, we understand that the Navy isn’t limited to just boats… The Navy has fighter planes too. And not just any old Air Force fighter planes… we’re talkin’ the real Maverick-Goose-Cougar deal here. The key to any successful attempt at trying to jump up and grab on to the wings of an airplane is to be up as high as you can go, so that you don’t have to jump as far. If only we had one of those run bicycles we could stand on the seat and jump off, but we’ve kinda ruined our chances at getting those considering every store we go by that sells them heard us refer to the employees and something about cock and it being sucked by them for selling it and something like that.
It’s perfect! Look how close to the clouds it is. Surely anyone who cannot grab onto the wings of a plane from such a high as this must be a breed of inferior man. It seems that Kevin and I have found our method, have the madness… now we just need the means. The killer thing about the chairlift here on the boardwalk is it is possible to get screwed out of your flight if you have to walk a long distance. You see, unless you’re perfectly in the middle of the distance between one end of the lift and the other, there is a 50% chance you’ll end up walking too far. You could be 100 yards from the lift house and being walking a mile in the opposite direction. That’s the kicker. They need signs or something to indicate which end of the chairlift is closer. Of course, knowing our luck Kevin will be too short to enjoy the taste of Honey Nut GET-ON-AIRPLANES and we’ll be fucked over once again. Even the simplest requests become tasks when Kevin is involved.
Can you believe that they expect us to pay seven dollars to ride on that sky-house-of-adultery!? That’s insane. I won’t spend over five dollars on any one thing at this boardwalk. My dinner was cheap ass pizza with a cup for water filled with Sprite, parking cost 4 dollars, most games cost between 25 cents and a dollar to play, and if I found a bunch of stuff in a store that I liked that was under five dollars a piece but over five combined… I’d pay for it all separately. I can’t believe they expect me to shell out seven dollars for the opportunity to grab onto the wings of an F-14. Aye carumba.
Now… call me crazy…A perfect scheme! With 25 cents we could win a carton of cigarettes which we could sell for 7 dollars and get on the chairlift. So we both played, and after shelling out 3 dollars in quarters each, both of us were the proud owners of a carton of Marlbros which we would never smoke. Contrary to what the movies tell you, it is nearly impossible to sell things like this just by being charming. The people here have way too many smarts to fall for tricks like this.
Kevin: Look, if you buy these from me you get what you want definitely and you won’t be paying a whole lot more than what you would to not win them. These games are rigged, you know.
Stranger: Yeah. Right. But see, why would I buy them from you if I could just win them for a quarter?
Kevin: You can’t win them, though. Nobody can win these games.
Stranger: But you just won it didn’t you?
Kevin: Of course not. We bought these at a store and are selling them for discounted prices. We make a dollar profit on each carton. It’s enough to feed our arcade habit.
Stranger: But these cartons are only a quarter!
Kevin: You’re from Pennsylvania, aren’t you?
Stranger: Yeah, how’d you know?
I’m sure by now you’re laughing at us. “Silly boys. You know you cannot sell smokes to people on the boardwalk.” If proving you wrong was like basketball, I’d be Michael Jordan. Kevin would be Chris Webber because he’s a smooth talkin’ pimp who loves the ladies. Fourteen bucks! This may be the only idea I’ve ever had that actually worked. I came up with these things called Compact Disks, which were like floppy disks only a quarter of the size… but some guy stole my name and used it for these laser burned pieces of plastic that someone told me about. Fucking Pog guy.
What the hell?!? Would you believe they are trying to charge us 7 bucks a person to ride on this chairlift? I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend more than 5 dolalrs on any one thing, and I’m not going to make an exception here. We will take our newly aquired seven dollars and say good day to you, peddlar of evil wares. We’ll go to some place where they have real honest commerce. Where they don’t try to rip you off and you don’t try to rip them off. Just a real equal exchange of money and goods.
Much better.Take a look at the bottom left corner of the picture. That seems to be a club I wouldn’t be interested in joining. I imagine some pimple faced kid walking in there and over to the skeeball,
“Excush mee! I believe, if I am not mishtaken, which I most shirtanly am not, that you are playing shkeeball in my shpot! Lucky number shirty-sheven, shank you. I’m a V.I.P. member, and if you don’t know what that means, which I’m shure you don’t, I am better than you and I own thish mashine. Good day to you, infidel.”
Let’s view the landscape to see what we can use.
- First there is the Ferris Wheel, on the left. An often useful mode of transportation proves inadequet this time, because the cars are caged in.
- The next thing that is really tall and white is called the sky rocket and it swings around on it’s axis. It definitely looks like it’s fun. And you go very high… but it costs 20 dollars. No can do.
- In the foreground in the middle is the ever popular Viking Ship. This one was actually a Pharaoh’s Ship with a big fake Indiana Jones statue in front of it. Bum bum ba-ba! Bum-bum baaaa!! This would combine our nautical and areial ambitions: swinging up and down really high in a boat.
- But look! It’s the Sky Ball! This thing slingshots you way up in the air! Hell, at night it even sparkles so that the airplanes can see where you are. But it’s also 20 dollars. No can do.
- We can’t really see what this last thing is… but it also appear to go kinda high and in a boat. Like a log flume ride. This one is worth checking out.
Ahh… Bringing Canada to New Jersey.The logic all seems to work out. I figure it this way. Niagra Falls is in the North. Lookin on a map, north is up. The sky is also up. Therefore, by this logic, Niagra Falls goes up. At night, the letters on this sign light up and appear to say Viagra Falls. Viagra makes things go up. It’s perfect! The only one problem with this ride is that it sucked ass. It cost us both $4.50 to ride (75 cents a ticket for 6 tickets). What a waste of time. We came to Seaside Heights with the hopes to become naval commanders and pig vendors, ended up failing at everything we tried and getting screwed out of our money. Tired and defeated, Kevin and I walked into the closest arcade we could find.
I love classic arcade games.
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, “Let’s get some parfait,” they say, “Hell no, I don’t like no parfait”? Parfaits are delicious. Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
We’re in Heaven. And not only that, but Kevin kicked some major ass up and down the boards and I got the high score on Q*Bert. The employees must have though we were crazy, since we danced around in happiness and then they heard me say something about Q*Bert’s nose, cock, and someone sucking it. And now for the moral, since the article was entitled: Seaside Heights Teaches Us a Bit About Ourselves.
If you’re cheap and whine and have bad ideas, you’ll get a high score.
