After conquering the kingdom of cool and having Kevin become the Prince of Second Place it was time to sail across the Atlantic. We commondered a worthy vessel from an unsuspecting crew and left port without looking back. After three months we landed on the cost of a strange place called “Mary’s Land”… later renamed Deleware. And then we hijacked a car a drove down to Maryland to play some more mini golf. But where? Where could we find a miniature golf course suitable for our insatiable desires? If only there was a sign…
Ah yes! Perfect! We’re not quite sure which language this strange message is in… but it’s gotta be a good sign. So to the temple we must adventure. And boy, what an adventure we had. We approached with no caution, as all insane travellers do, and stormed the grounds of the temple complex.
The temple’s architecture is somewhat of a mystery. My first guess would be that of Classic Period or Post Classic Period Mayan Civilization, based on the step pyramid construction and the singular temple that rests on top. The facade designs are also very colorful and highly decorative. The smaller size of the complex indicates to us that this must have been an earlier building that did not need surrounding architecture. This tips us off that it can be dated as far back as 100 C.E. Whether this pyramid was purely ceremonial or one that was meant to be used as a temple complex is questionable.
As you can see here, the water running down this side of the pyramid cascades over a very steep set of steps. Steps like this (without water flowing over them, of course) are indicative of a ceremonial pyramid, built almost entirely for show. The evidence that this was the front side of the pyramid is minimal, though. Oh, there was also some sort of huge creature whose arms were coming out of the pool. Kevin’s theory suggest it to be an ancient Mayan Zombie, from around 600 C.E. (the time of the proto-apocalypse). The grounds surrounding the temple are equal on almost every side, though it would appear that this side was the front based on current surrounding architecture. Instead of using the modern perspective, one should orient the entire complex as the Mayans would have.
The large set of stairs on the southern side probably should have tipped us off as to the entrance of the pyramid. But if you just wrote down all the obvious things it wouldn’t be much of an adventure, now would it? Wanna fight about it? Before exploring the surrounding areas some more, like a good archaeologist would have done, we ventured into the depths of the temple, armed with only a putter and Harry Potter’s Maurader’s Map. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” said Kevin to the map. Four tiny black dots appeared on the map, indicating that only the four of us were in the area. The dot that read ‘HUGE TOOL’ confused us at first, but it didn’t take much for us to realize it was referring to Kevin.
We figured it would be best to send Andy in first as he looks… how should I put this? Less White-Man-Who-Killed-The-Aztecs. (In case we were wrong about this being Mayan.) It proved to be a good idea because two very strange things happened (and strange things make articles interesting). Firstly, we were transported back in time to the Olmec civilization (as indicated by the giant stone head to the left there). Secondly, Andy’s Asian heritage landed him in a location where many of those “Oriental Peoples” seem to wind up: Between a rock and a hard place. The sheer force of time travel must have hurled him across the putting surface and smashed him into the wall. It was an awful site, for sure. But then again, I’m glad it wasn’t one of us important white people.
Phew! That was a close call. Thanks, Andy.
But seriously, folks. We here at Virtual Fools may be pillagers and thieves, but we aren’t racist. No, we prefer to pick people apart for who they are inside or what they look like on the outside. We wouldn’t let Andy just hang there with his life in jeopardy (ABC, please don’t sue — it is a real word). We rescued him so that we could put him in harms way to protect ourselves throughout the rest of our adventure. For example, there was that incident with the huge head:
Which also had that head-looking rock statue behind Andy there. BA-ZING!!!!
(That was an ‘Andy has a big head’ joke, by the way).
I’m sorry. That was really uncalled for.
But we did take the opportunity to ask the stone-head if it liked tapes and CDs. We figured it’d be a good question to ask considering his forehead (onto which we would tape our dick so he could C-Deez Nuts) is so large. That joke never gets old.
Oh yeah, by the way, Andy just beat Contra without dying. That was amazing.
I declared shenanigans for a bit, but all was returned to normalcy shortly thereafter. We screwed our heads back on and continued exploring.
Like all good explorers of the ___th century, Virtual Fools found itself upon the more bountiful hills of the land (if you catch my meaning). And if you don’t catch it, I’m referring to those boob-looking rocks there. A wise man once said, “ignore boobs that look like rocks, because they’ll kill your family,” so we moved along quickly.
Also, he told us to, “ignore courses that appear to be a sack and pecker.” Wait… what can I do if I have a dick and nuts? something about tapes and CDs. Damn’t, I can’t remember right now.
I don’t want to give away too many secrets, so I will be brief but criptic. We have a theory that something of extreme value (to perhaps say… Indiana Jones) rests behind this door. Now, we don’t mean to imply that any sort of old Knights Templar guard this artifact… but we do think that you would be encourage to choose wisely. We’ll just refer to it as the Holy-G. No, better the H-Grail.
While we have no clue where the Holy Grail might be… we do know where the Holey Grail is. That would be the infamous 19th Hole where the lucky and talented have the chance to further their putting careers by winning a free game. It our entire tenure as Old Pro Golfers only one hole-in-one here has scored us a free game. I’ve also managed to forget that free-game coupon every single time we’ve gone golfing since. Perhaps I’ll wait till the price of golf sky-rockets so that the relative value of the coupon has increased. Now that’s smart golfing. And on that note, it was back to the boardwalk for more ’senior week!!!!’ antics and some eats.
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