Virtual Fools

It takes a lot to get me to go to any place that is considered “Historic”. It’s just not my thing. I don’t know why I can’t just dig looking at dirty houses and slave quarters where they ate cornbread with no sugar! OH MY GOODNESS! GASPY!!! No sugar! I don’t think that was the biggest of problems for the slaves. But what do I know… I’m from Virginia. But as for visiting “Places of Historic Significance” I’d rather be at home. But I was bribed to come out here with the promise that we’d end up in Ocean City, New Jersey afterwards, so I bought into it.

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Case #1: Historic Batsto

The Plaintiff - Batsto Village
Batsto Village is charging Bobby with taking pictures inside the post office and making fun of most everything that the place had to offer.
The Defendant - Bobby Bokista
Bobby claims that his jokes were “in the best interest of the community” and for his “well-being”. Besides, the post office was shitty anyway.

Exhibit A: The Post Office
This is a post office. You can tell because it has a sign which says…

This ain’t your everyday run-of-the-mill post office though. Why… these bastards hand cancel their mail! Can you believe that!? They don’t seem to believe it either. In fact, they’re so god damn proud that they are one of 8 post office that still hand cancels their mail, you can see the lady who works there glowing with pride from a mile away. If I was nice, I could have learned the story of the Jersey Devil!! But alas, I was an ass and… TOOK A PICTURE OF THE INSIDE OF THE BUILDING. She nicely tore me a new asshole and I was forced to put my camera away. But not before I got this sucker off…

MWA HA HA!!! I totally beat the system! Now everyone in the world can see inside of the Historic Batsto New Jersey Post Office! I WIN! THEY LOSE! Chalk one up for the Bob! *Unce*Unce*Unce*Exhibit B: Bog Iron
Hey, check it out. It’s bog iron. Bog iron would be iron that comes from a bog. That’s the whole point of this Batsto place. To produce shitty iron for the folks of the mid to late 1700’s. Well shucks! Even
Mr. George “Did-Not-Have-Sex-With-A-Cherry-Tree” Washington sent a letter to Batsto asking for some iron for his “army” during the “revolutionary” war. Peh. Like that ever worked out. God save the Queen.

Exhibit C: A Flag With Missing Stars
Ummm… what re-re stitched this fine piece of cloth together? It only has 32 stars.
Exhibit D: The Mayor of Batsto

JUST KIDDING THIS ISN’T THE MAYOR IT’S JUST A COW YOU SILLY FAGGOT!Exhibit E:
Actually, this isn’t an exhibit. I just wanted to show you another picture but I needed to fit it into this “Exhibit” pattern that I created. Soo… look!
The Verdict:
Because I am judge, jury, and executioner, I find Batsto, New Jersey guilty of being boring and worthless. Ocean City better payoff.

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Case #2: Historic Smithville

The Plaintiff - Smithville
Smithville is charging Bobby with enjoying himself in an environment which is not supposed to entertain people but rather keep them occupied while they slowly spend their life savings on antiques and candles.
The Defendant - Bobby Bokista
Bobby proudly agrees with all of the accusations and would like to insert the following Simpson’s quote which isn’t related to the matter at hand. “Crackers are a family food. We don’t know if single people eat crackers… and quite frankly… we don’t care.”

Exhibit A:
Looks can be deceiving. This place looks bad enough. It has all of the makings of a generally boring town: #1, It isn’t a real town where people live. #2, It’s actually a collection of shops set in a cute New England Town style. #3, I prefer not to give all things an equal opportunity to please me. I’m much more comfortable making superficial judgments and then force things to prove their worth to me. So here I am, ready to label this place a waste of time and low and behold, a sign from the heavens…

Look at this poor kid being forced into parental pseudo-fun submission. Damn. This will no doubt suck. I feel like I’m in the town of Amity from Jaws. Only there is no Jaws.
And it’s not a even real town. And it’s more than just kissing. And it’s not just guys either. Dude, she’s cheating on you.

But wait, there’s something over there… on the horizon! What could it be? I think it’s another sign from the heavens!

Literally.Exhibit A: The Toy Store
Ahhh. Goody. A toy store. Maybe I can find some toys to sell on eBay here. But I had no such luck. All the toys were new and all the sports stuff was NASCAR. So now it’s off to the Antique Arcade for a good game of Galaga or Tempest.

Exhibit B: The Antique Arcade

I sure was mislead. When they say Antique Arcade, they ain’t kiddin’. No Galaga. No Pac-Man. Instead, I got a nickelodeon, a metal ball shooting gallery, Uncle Sam, and a future-predicting grandmother.

The New Frontier. Put in a quarter and get 8 chances to shoot 8 targets to can become a L33T COWBOYZORS! I hit three. So I won the title of “Barney Fife”. Don’t I feel special.My luck wasn’t too great with Uncle Sam either. Who needs a love tester when you can get a chance to shake hands with Mr. America himself.

No, I didn’t get “Uncontrolable”…

I was fortunate to get the distinct title of “Jealous” when I shook his hand. And damn well I should be jealous. Afterall… this man is the REAL president of the United States. Or at least that’s what my intensive study indicated.

Bobby: Who is the president of the United States of America?
Drunkard on the Bus: (Insert weird and intimidating look here)
Bobby: Does that mean Uncle Sam?
Drunkard on the Bus: *grumble*grumble*
Bobby: Thank you for your time.

Exhibit C: Grandma’s Predictions
Either I’m too smart for my own good or I just don’t “get” the following. This is Grandma.

She makes predictions. She is also sold at your local department store during the Christmas season under the distinct title of “Mrs. Claus” . So what is Mrs. Claus doing in the quaint shopping district located not far from the Garden State Parkway. I tried to get an interview, but I spent my last quarter being branded as jealous by a mechanical man that puts Robin William’s Bicentennial Man to shame. Now I know why they put grandparents in “retirement prisons”… err, I mean “retirement death camps”… shit, I mean “retirement resorts and communities.”

Exhibit D: More Misleading Stores

It maybe that I’m not hip on the latest in what’s cool (I still think that Sega32X is rockin’ the world of video game entertainment) but I sure know what’s wonderful in this world. And it’s not Soap, Bath Beads, Honey-Mellon-Shower-Gels, and Saint John’s Wort. I feel it should be more along the lines of wonderful things like… tits, and ass, and Clerks the Animated Series.

Exhibit D: Oversized Ducks
MY GOD MAN THESE DUCKS ARE HUGE! BEWARE THE SUPERSWAN!

Exhibit E: Junk Shop
This is what made my day. I found a junk shop of old crap that sold old crap and junk. I bought myself comics, including one Captain Blood (as in the old movie),one Ren and Stimpy, and a few Ninja Turtles comics… including the movie adaptation of Turtles 1.

They had some other cool things in this store… some of which I already owned. I should have picked some of it up and sold it at markedup prices on eBay… but I’m too honest for that. I’m sorry, did I say honest? I meant poor. Yeah, I’m poor. And plus there was a dragon in the way. A big dragon… yeah. And he asked me for my ID but it was in the car… and he blew fire out of his nose… yeah, thats the ticket.

~Bobby

P.S.: I realize I ended the article abruptly.

P.S.S.:The final verdict of this case was that it was not a waste of time, and once again I beat the system.

P.S.S.S.:But there’s no system.

P.S.S.S.S.: And it’s more than just kissing.

P.S.S.S.S.S.:And it’s not just guys either.

P.S.S.S.S.S.S.: Dude, she’s cheating on you.