Virtual Fools

The skies always yellow, rain or shine! G’day, mates! Cheerio! Crikey, let’s hire a movie and then toss it in the rubbish bin! It’s time for the 4th annual Outback Steakhouse Kangaroo race down here in Australia where everyone drinks Fosters and tries to catch dingos while wearing khaki clothes with too many pockets in them! Now let’s watch the Crocodile Hunta invade the set of the old Survivor! Vegemite and Koala’s to you!!

Well, maybe we’re not the best Australian-Americans… And maybe we were just singing the Taz-Mania theme song… but we sure know our stereotypes! Kevin and I did take a trip down unda, though. Well, sort of. When we were in Delaware we played a few rounds of Aussie golf.

Kevin can spot a good deal when he sees one, and the idea of playing “all day” from 12 to 3 for the price of one round really struck our fancy. So at 6 dollars for the pass playing five rounds of Aussie golf cost us $1.20 per round. Not too shabby considering that’s the price of a Vanilla Coke at 7-11.

Here at Virtual Fools we’re dedicated to serving you in every way (non-sexual) possible. So today we present to you a tour of Australia through your two guides: Bobby “Maybe the Dingo Ate” Bokista and Kevin “Your Baby” Lewis.

Our first stop is The Great Barrier Reef! An Undersea Fantasy Garden, Crystal Clear Water Colorful Fish and Coral Ladies and gentlemen, this is no lie. The real Great Barrier Reef is an amazing site which I have never seen. It features an exotic array of fish, trees, and women which you cannot pick-up because it would destroy the natural beauty of the area. Instead, take plenty of pictures because they’re just laying all about and cluttering the area and if you don’t take them home nobody else will.

Watch out! These crocs are dangerous!

This was the only thing at Golf Down Under that could be remotely related to The Great Barrier Reef, but would be more suited for American Golf Down Under… down under in Florida. You would think they could do something to make it a little more realistic… like maybe not having it float above the water. That takes away part of the magic of Australia. And, in making it lower to the bottom of the “Pond” you could see less of the wooden stakes holding it in place. But, regardless, it’s a cute effect and it scared Kevin into getting a six on that hole so I’m not about to complain.

Next stop on your guided tour through Australia is everyone’s favorite Australian site! Tasmania! Yes, Tasmania. Since Tasmania is and island off the coast of Australia, we had to travel there via the Taso-Austrian Push-Car Express, which in fact does run through Austria contrary to popular belief.

This makes sense though, because from Austria-Tasmania we can see the beautiful Southern Hemisphere site of Norway! Home to the dangerous Vikings with their crazy Norse Gods and dragons!

By the fourth round of golf we were actually hoping this push-car would take us across the street to play Viking Golf. Golfing in the Outback just loses it’s touch after an hour and a half and it’s not too much to ask to be sent to Valhalla for a little round of Putt-Putt. Kevin and I both perfer Valhalla with David Lee Roth rather than Sammy Hagar. Norway is a wonderful place to visit. It has nearly five and a half million people, all of whom are pissed off at you that they discovered America before Columbus yet get none of the credit. But don’t worry folks. They wont bite ya! They’ll only nibble a bit!

Our path now leads us on to a site commonly referred to by the locals as “Do-warr”, which we translate to mean “Spooky Haunted Laugh Box”. I have two friends from Australia who claim that there are “do-warrs” everywhere in Australia. “They lead into every house, you dumb fuck,” they would say to me. Haha. Those hostile natives are sure good for a harty chuckle. Just don’t piss them off because they’ll ride up on their ‘roos and throw spears and steak-knives at you. Oh. And the door was locked.

This is a koala bear! The koala bear is a native animal of the Northeaster Australian Regio– Hold on a second there is a phone call.

Bobby: Hello?
Guard: Sir, we have a situation. There are orcs forming on the Western border!
Bobby: Are you kidding me? Are you sure they are orcs?
Guard: Yes sir. They are brandishing pointy weapons and grunting like barbarians.
Bobby: Damn’t! Have you deployed the troops?
Guard: No sir, we sent out a scout first. Oh wait, here he comes back with the news. He says that they are not orcs but rather Australians!
Bobby: Damn’t! Why are they here? What do they want?
Guard: They want reparations for you insulting their culture! They said the ‘koala bear’ remark was the last straw.
Bobby: Hell no! There is no way. I will perish before I appologize for that. Send out the bombers.
Guard: Yes sir.

Sorry about that. Just had to clear a little matter up. But now we’re good. Where was I? I was saying something about koalas and– ah fuck it. Moving along to our next stop on the tour.

The Nullarbor Plain

These plains are a vast area of nothing. That’s where the word ‘plain’ comes in. ‘Plain’ is latin for “not being interesting in the least bit”. The name ‘Nullarbor’ derives its name from Latin for ‘no trees’ and as you can clearly see on this picture there are no trees in sight. None at all. “A number of caves on the Nullarbor Plain contain deposits that are known as Coffee and Cream. These deposits consist of a very dark brown powder adjacent/mixed with a very white powder to create the Coffee and Cream. The origin of the powders has been determined to result from roof fretting.” (Gillieson, 1997) That isn’t important at all, unless you’re dying for some Starbucks and just can’t wait unti–

Liars. I hate Australica.