A Jersey Grab Bag
Going to the beach means getting junk. There is no way around it. When you are surrounded by stores that either sell a.) junk or b.) wicker furniture, one is bound to buy something. Being that I don’t make a ton of money, junk was it. But acquiring junk in the normal fashion is boring. I want to be able to work for it, to earn it. Aside from manual labor, the only way to “win” such prizes is through the various Casinos that line the Jersey shore. Yet these casinos are not of the “must be 21 or face castration” variety, far from it in fact. In terms of business, it’s a great idea, almost a conspiracy. These places of decadence are geared toward FAMILIES! That’s right! Not only can Mom and Dad waste money striving for fame and fortune, but now little Billy, Liz and even Merl can join in on the fun! Imagine this, if you will. A meeting of grey-beards, rivaled in age only by the now long gone Know-Nothing party, meets in a smoky and dark Italian restaurant in Pleasentville, NJ. All of these men originally made their money through real casinos, but soon discovered that there were vast untapped resources. It had been discovered that the 1-20 age group, which made up over 35% percent of the population, was not gambling! How could this be! Hadn’t they done their best to make sure that their business places were always stocked with the finest hookers, the cheapest Steak and Egg breakfasts, and the most washed-up of Lounge acts? It was decided that something had to be done:
Old Man #1: Gentlemen, we need to tap into our nations natural resources, and by that I don’t mean silicon breast implants: there is a large chunk of the general public that is not actively participating in gambling, and we need to think of something.
Old Man #2: I have a plan! Lets just switch the payouts on the slot machines to little red chits and tickets, which act as cash, and make a huge “redemption station” in the middle of the casino floor! We can stock it with prizes that range from shinny and lame to fake and lackluster! And we can even display prizes that no one can possibly win, which could fuel the gambling even more!
All: Huzzuh! What great tidings! A messiah is risen! The angels call him “Old Man #2!” Let us worship him!
And so it came to be that there were family oriented Casinos in New Jersey, and so, armed with the knowledge of the truth and the will to serve, Old Man #1 spread the gospel from Seaside Heights to Wildwood, that a new way of sucking the hard working masses out of their bread money had arrived. The economy was shifted from dollar backed to token backed, and the states best export was “large stuffed animals.”
Here is where the Virtual Fools come in. In Long Beach Island, there is a huge family fun center called Fantasy Island, a name that makes no sense. It is not a fantasy, as it is a real place, and is not an island, as it is a building. Kevin 1, Fantasy Island 0. There isn’t a whole lot to do except go to the beach, so we decided to head over and waste some time and money. I am pretty good at not wasting money when I can rationalize it to myself, so I decided to limit my spending to $15. That being said, I spent a little over an hour working my way around the slots, the skee ball lanes, and the magic cranes, winning some and losing more. Eventually, I had accumulated a bucket full of “New Jersey Gold,” and decided to cash it in. Knowing that I would not be back for at least a year, I spent all of my winning, and walked away with a nice haul of junk. And now, for your enjoyment, THE SECRET STASH OF KEVIN!
| Star Wars Episode 1 Action Figure: Chancellor Valorum
This is the prize of my little collection. For about 1000 points, I snagged this Episode 1 action figure, knowing damn well that he was only in the movie for a few minutes. In fact, I decided to get the figure that had the least to do with the film, and succeeded fairly well. I’m never opening the box for this one! |
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| Bad Andy Doll:
Got this on the first try from one of the cranes, after having just dropped about $2 on Pokemon and Dilbert dolls (they are too heavy I think), and had the morale of a French soldier in Vietnam circa 1954. I decided to try my luck on one of these bad boys, and, on the first try, I became the proud owner of the pop-culture icon for Generation Z, the generation that will grow up thinking that the Nintendo 64 is classic gaming, and that Stone Temple Pilots is classic rock. *Sigh*. |
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| Beanie Baby: Chip
It looked like it would be easy to get. 50 cents later I had it. That’s the story. Sounds like the conversations that I hear as I roam the halls of Oakton High School in search of a brain cell. |
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| Turbo Spin Yo-Yo!
Champion! Trick Sleeping Action! Real Metal Axle! See Instruction on Back! Made in China! This is one crappy Yo Yo. Hope I can still find my sweet, glow-in-the-dark, Yomega one! |
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| Superman Stickers: 7 count At 30 points a piece, I couldn’t pass them. Each comes with 6 collectable stickers. Since they are collectable, I needed to get a lot. You get 6 autocollant stickers per back, so I’d say it’s a good deal. |  |
| Spiderman Stickers: 1 count I wish they had more, but it just goes to show that Marvel Comics are better than DC comics any and every day of the week. |  |
| Two Little, Neon Slinkees
Here I go with the name brand- product association, but I don’t know what else to call them. They were cheap, so I decided to pick them up. A.k.a. “Spring-like neon plastic apparati, that, upon dropping, make a slinking motion down slopes and stairways alike.” |
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| Plastic Spider Ring
The Overture to my Magnum Opus of treasures, my equivalent of Spielberg’s E.T., Picasso’s Guernica, Nintendo’s Super Mario Bros. 3, and Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Freebird all rolled into one. What better way to spend less than a tenth of a penny than on a spider ring? What adjectives accurately describe this marvel of human ingenuity? Timeless, amazing, moving and rugged all come to mind. Wearable as an accessory to a Halloween costumes, as a sit in for the ugly engagement ring that your fiancé gave you, or even as the signet ring of a secret club, this item’s applications are many. The Encore to my epic performance, this ring garners itself a special place in the plastic bag in which I am keeping my goodies. |
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So there you go. My pay out from Fantasy Island, where the motto is “Hook them now and rob them later.” After a through analysis, I’d say that I have been had. I want my $15 back!
Andy said:
Apr 14, 08 at 6:34 pmDo I see 2 bad andy dolls in that picture from your Jersey Grab Bag stash? I’ve been searching for one of those for the longest time. Any chance you’d be willing to sell one or know where I could get one?
Thanks