Firstly, we wrote this article the same way we wrote Winter Break. We sat down and wrote it together. The font in blue belongs to Bobby, green belongs to Kevin, and red is that of Jimmy.
Jimmy, Kevin, Andy, and I were all watching comedy central last night (the Awesom-O episode of South Park. During the commercials we saw an advertisement for Comedy Central’s Big Big Movie of the week: Out Cold. It looked like your generic ski-comedy, much like Winter Break. In the words of Awesom-O 4000, “LAME!” we thought to ourselves. How far has Comedy Central fallen that this no-name piece of crap is the “Big Big Movie”? We laughed it off and headed to the video store to rent one of the Hope/Crosby Road To ___ movies.
But alas, Cockbluster did not have said films. So we looked around the comedy section for something to rent with the coupon I had. And there was Out Cold, sitting there on the shelf calling to us. What posessed us to rent it? We’re not really sure. But we gave in, figuring we could have a good laugh at the expense of the director. Little did we know, we would actually enjoy this movie.
It begins with a little narrator exposition. It’s not your normal narrator technique though, where the protagonist says something stupid about life in general. It’s actually a really random crazy character that quickly let’s us know we’re at Bull Mountain in Alaska, a local resort stolen from the Eskimos, owened by a crazy old man whose last hurrah was skiing bare-assed down the mountain to his death. “Papa, loved to ski, and Papa loved to drink. But most of all Papa loved to ski and drink… at the same time!”. Apparently, Papa had The Right Stuff, because we all know that pilots love Flying & Drinking, Driving & Drinking.
The opening credits are a big-mountain riding experience. It’s actually some solid riding that is more likely to appear in a real ski-film rather than Aspen Extreme or Ski School 2. We meet the main character, Jason London (of Jeremy London’s brother fame) as he climbs to the top of Hangman’s Peak, and then quickly meet his stunt double who proceeds to ride down the mountain.
We are next whisked to El Matador, the only oasis of hope in this faraway, rustic paradise (the bar, for those of you who are confused). Our friendly boarder buds can agree on some things: Bull Mountain is pretty freakin’ sweet just the way that it is. Also, this town needs some friggin’ hot chicks, if it is to remain as freakin’ sweet. But for blue-blooded boarders like our protagonists, life is pretty good. All the world’s cares can be drowned equally on the slopes or by drinking, and at times ingenious ways of combining the two prove the correct cure, WITH HILARITY USUALLY ENSUING. Witness later as Pigpen, our trucker hat wearing friend, boards down the slope with a 40 of Miller High Life, only to be told not to drink by…you guessed it…THE MAN. But, as it stands, Luke, Rick and the rest are living life to its drinkingest at El Matador. Inaugerated by some almost angsty pop claptrap rock, Jenny, the girl that flirts endlessly with Rick, enters the bar and scams a drink out of the creepy Eric. A beer for her, 5 shots of Goldschlager for the boyz.
Rick has been down, it seems. His conflicted stance of Jenny, his forlorn and lost love, the monotony of a boarder’s life…these things have taken their toll on him. Tonight is the night. WE MUST CROWN THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN. KING OF THE MOUNTAIN MOUNTAIN MOUNTAIN. It is hard to illustrate the full extent of what it means to be king of the mountain. Monarchy has weighty obligations. Action jumps from El Matador to El Random Slope. The time: night. After a stilted Fight Club reference, the rules are laid out, straight up. In order to be crowned, one must keep as much beer as possible from being spilled wilst racing down the mountain. Pushing, shoving, cheating are encouraged. Reach Papa Muntz and glory/Eric’s stolen wallet are yours.
Mercy, mercy, mercy. People crash. Rock music lets us know that we should be having a swell time. Anthony, who really sucks, proves that he really sucks. Rick, three time champion, wins again! He totally put beer in his mouth AND boarded over a house. Miracles do happen. His king of the mountain status will reach metaphoric heights later. OR HAS IT ALREADY?
Rick walks Jenny home. They could hook up, but they don’t. Sublimation is best for now. These two likely have chemistry. But there needs to be comflict before meaningful love can take flight. Haven’t you witnessed any other narratives in the Western tradition? Rick lurvs Jenny and Jenny seems to lurv Rick.
Oh no! Here comes conflict! Seems like the lame Ted Muntz (known as Retard from here on out in the movie) has done what people want not to happen - he has a prospective buyer in John Majors (played by Lee Majors), a country-twanged venture capitalist with plans of turning our beloved mountain into yet another of the ever-growing series of Majors resorts, each without personlity and each prohibiting the drinking-while-skiing practices that we have come to love as well as renaming the mountain to something “less shitty”. Rick is charged in part with showing him around. His competence and general charisma secure him a place in the pantheon of the privledged. The mountain is to be made into a streamlined Coloradoish resort with lattes and espresso flowing everplentiful. Expensive tofu and noodles are to replace the previous Alaskan diet. They stole the mountain from the eskimos, fair and sqaure, it won’t be given up without a fight!
But first, Pig Pen has been charged with saving a gondola full of busty chicks who are dangling high above the mountain. He jumps out of a helicopter, rides down then mountain, skydives off a cliff and parachutes onto the top of the gondola. It will best be shown by a series of screen captures. Enjoy:
Pig Pen is awaken from this ridiculous dream by Luke and Rick, who are yelling at him to open the door to their gondola. Pig Pen is humping the bench he’s sleeping on, leading to my favorite comment in the whole movie by Luke: “He’s had a crush on that bench for a long time.”
In the car, Rick yields to Pig Pen’s pressure and spills the beans about the long-lost love aluded to earlier. You see, on a vacation in Cancun, Rick met this beautiful girl in that most mystical of beachside bars, Pedro O’Horny’s. They spend three whole weeks together, then he never sees her again. Oh nos! Pig Pen fails to see the harm in a girl banging you then disappearing, eliciting the pricless response: “Pig Pen, when I want advice about a good Planet of the Apes film or maybe how to get the resin out of my bong I’ll come to you ok? But I am not gonna take romantic advice from somebody who cannot spell romantic or advice… or bong.” Oh, also during this scene they play Island in the Sun, which is awesome. It’s a leitmotif.
Fuckin’ John Majors is going to pussy-up the resort. There’s now a rule-book… and really gay uniforms! Rick’s theory is that if the mountain is turned into an Aspen-like resort the hot chicks will come pouring in. This is “good” for bar-tender Lance, who is so deep in the closet he’s finding presents.
Exemplified by Major’s step-daughter, played by Playmate Victoria Silvstedt. But Ingrid is related to someone even more jaw-dropping:
THE BEAUTIFUL GIRL FROM PEDRO O’HORNY’S
What’s Anna doing here??? She’s John Major’s daughter!!! WHAT A TWIST!!! She recognizes Luke from Cancun and calls to him. They exchange brief niceties and she asks him about Rick… but Rick “died in a dogsled accident.” She asks him to play “the song” for old time sake. Island in the Sun comes on the juke box again as Rick walks in, yelling at Luke that “I thought I told you never to play that *GASP IT’S ANNA* song…” How about that for coincidence. That’s the type of thing that only happens in movies.
Luke is often the target of drunk shamings. First they put salt on his dick so that a polar bear would lick it… later they put a bike lock around his neck and take the key with them. But the one in this scene is by far my favorite. They put him into Rick’s car in the drivers seat and push it into the middle of the street. Then three guys climb into the car with him, and a few guys stand around the outside. Then the guys on the outside start spining the car in a circle and the guys inside start screaming, so that Luke will wake up and grab hold of the wheel, thinking he had fallen asleep while driving. The consequences are hilarious. (To view this as an animated gif, click here 1.2 MB)
So, transformation montage. The loser-Aspeny guys celebrating the opening of “Snownook Mountain” (the renamed Bear Mountain) and the modernization of anotherwise rustic nook of the world. This is a tale as old as time, or at least as old as effecient congolomorations have been able to move into areas and transform them against the will of the local residents. Everything is crumbling down. Rick screwed up by missing his date with Jenny because of Anna’s arival. Pig Pen gets involved in a lesbian chatroom with a pantless Eric whose typing under the name of Chloe. Luke ends up with his dick stuck in the jet of a hot tub.
Oh, and Anna is engaged (and was engaged when they met at PEDRO O’HORNY’S!) Not only is he in med school but he’s also a pilot. WHAT A GUY, AYE?!
What’s this guy doing?
I can assure you he’s not pouring a sip on the concrete for this brothers lost in the street. Nope, he’s “keeping it real while keeping it safe!” Tooliness has taken over the mountain, lock, stock & barrel. Our friends know what they must do. THE KING OF THE MOUNTAIN AND HIS ENTOURAGE MUST BE RESTORED TO GREATNESS!
I will use the theories of Sergei Eisenstein (dialectical montage), much in the style of the film, to show a bit of the things that will unfold. Imagine being assaulted, in due course, by previously hated boyfriends who are actually really cool and are immune to getting their ass kicked because they are handicapped,
parties that last til the bricka-break of dawn (and end humorously with a montage of their own to Air Supply’s “All Out of Love,”)
and the gradual taking over of the town by yuppies. Gone is the bar as we knew it - in its place a trendy club meant for merlot-drinking tricks. Health food and designer coffee line the streets. Logo-worshipping East Eggers have taken the mountain! All looks lost!
But everything is saved by a wacky last minute downhill escapade, wherein caviar carts are overturned and douchebags are dumped into snow, thus freezing their douchy contents into some sort of semi-transparent cleansing scented ice. I think Rick ends up with the blonde girl who totally wanted on since the first scene, and the guy with the big hat is gone, or something.
The crazy guy rants a little bit, and everything is cool again. Oh, and Pig Pen does sex with the Playmate girl, cause she wants to piss off her dad, or something, and do you even know who my dad is? Dude, he runs a dealership, and he will totally hook you up, and…dude…we’re drunk!
Despite its low budget origins and lack of notable marquee names (it grows tiresome to have to explain that it has that dude from Mallrat’s brother in it), Out Cold represents the evolution of the ski movie genre. Refined, with a gag-filled narrative that finally succeeds at revolving around strong character acting, Out Cold is a delight. Hampered only by its PG-13 rating, it makes for a fun evenning of viewing. And remember: we’ll always have Pedro O’Horny’s.
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