Virtual Fools

Me: “No, don’t worry man. Unlike the esoterically enhanced “Oddball Movies,” or the humorous “Shitty Movies,” or the generally serious “Good Movies,” there is no gimmick here. Short reviews that hopefully say something that hasn’t already been said, a few at a time, is all that this section hopes to achieve. At the very least, think of it as a guide to things that you may have considered watching at one point or another but never actually did. Here are a few Quickies for you, things that I have watched recently that will hopefully be of some interest:”

~ Quickies #1: Hammer Films
(Hammer Studios made many films of ranging quality in Britain from the 1950’s to the 1970’s. Specializing in atmospheric, tasteful horror films, their trademark was often the inclusion of either Christopher Lee or Peter Cushing (or both,) immaculate sets and costumes, and a good sense of the fantastic. Here is a look at a few such films that I’ve recently watched.)

Countess Dracula (1970)

This 1970 entry comes at a time when Hammer’s previous winning formula for horror films (one that banked on excellent character actors, top-notch production values and tasteful terror) was entering a period of metamorphosis. Here, in addition to the sort of gore that had gradually slipped into their features over the previous five years, we see subjects of intense sexual taboo explored, as well as ample blood/boobies. In fact, Countess Dracula teeters on that dangerous see-saw between character-driven period drama and sexploitation schlock, this time with the former winning out (for an exploration of the later, check out The Vampire Lovers.) Directed by Hammer veteran Peter Sasdy, this film concerns itself with the mysterious events that slowly unfold around the time of the ascension of the witch-like Countess Elisabeth (Ingrid Pitt), a corrupt and mysterious woman who discovers that by bathing in the blood of virgins, she can restore some of her former beauty. Attempting to not only reap the more favorable parts of her husband’s will, but also marry the young Lt. Toth (Sandor Eles), she manipulates the love-struck Captain Dobi (Nigel Green) into doing her dirty work. It is a (slightly) sad tale of greed, over-indulgence and mild perversion.

All said and done, Countess Dracula emerges as little more than an Ingrid Pitt vehicle. Sure, she is gorgeous, and yes, she does get nude, but one has to wonder if the film is worth all of the trouble. Fans of period melodrama will find something to love, but The Vampire Lovers out-sexes Countess Dracula pretty easily.

The Vampire Lovers (1970)

The death of the Production Code in the late 1960s caused filmmakers to latch onto some fairly odd genres. While lesbian-fueled vampire erotica had been firmly established with Roger Vadim’s Blood and Roses, it wasn’t until one could show the bare necessities that the cycle took off. To many, the culminating exploration of this male-gaze-dominated category was 1970’s The Vampire Lovers. Produced through Hammer Studios with American money, the film injected some virility into a fairly mundane story by way of Ingrid Pitt’s now legendary portrayal of Carmilla/Marcilla/Mircalla, and through the familiar face of Peter Cushing as the hilariously named Captain von Spielsdorf. The Karnstein family, a nuclear unit of vampires, was nearly wiped out by the vengeful brother of a felled woman, but the youngest daughter of the foul group was left alive. They may be Austrian, but the von Trapps they ain’t. Aided by an odd assortment of random con artists, Pitt’s mysterious character invades the households of two rich families with the intent to turn their young daughters into vampires, using her lesbian wiles to great effect. Granted, Pitt is mesmerizing to watch, but her quick ability to turn other women into passive lesbians evades even my somewhat skewed ability to suspend disbelief.

Roy Ward Baker’s direction doesn’t leave one with many memorable moments, although some of the fear-induced dreams are vaguely psychedelic and therefore at least slightly interesting. Typical to Hammer films of this era is a strong period feel, but one has to wonder if the painstaking production really paid off. Certainly, there is now an undeniable legacy in the wake of films like The Vampire Lovers: the even more sexual Vampyres (1974), or the Alyssia Milano-ful Embrace of the Vampire (1994) are good examples. In fact, most Vampire movies that have involved women since have some sort of lesbian subplot. It seems that prurient male fantasies have found yet another home.

Taste the Blood of Dracula (1969)

Fans of Christopher Lee have to wonder whether or not he increasingly wanted to write his own scripts, because this Dracula entry could have used his erudition. Three hopelessly rich/merchant class British blokes want to expand their “perversion pact,” a brotherhood in which they try to find the most audacious and fleshy things that London has to offer. When they happen upon the oddly Satanic Lord Courtly (Ralph Bates), they attempt to resurrect Dracula (Christopher Lee), but only succeed in killing the man who is to help them do it. As payment, Dracula vows to kill the three who killed his servant – so begins the murder/vengeance narrative that leaves little to the imagination. Having seen the edited, American version, I was unable to enjoy the gratuitous blood and slight nudity of the original theatrical version. Yet, the story remains the same, and it is a hard one to sit through unless you REALLY like vampire movies and REALLY want to see yet another nicely staged Victorian production. The aspects of the film’s mis-en-scene are undoubtly the sets, which include convincing interiors, some fun matte paintings, and a creepy church.

Roy Kinnear was my hero for this film, but he has little more than 3 minutes of screen time. In his Weller, we see the perfect comedic counterpoint to much of the films’ drab line-reading. One wishes that all merchants were this funny. He is an important plot piece (the discoverer of the Dracula relics that make it possible for him to be resurrected demands some respect when the film is about the resurrection of Dracula) and a fine addition to the cast. Also, beware of the killer mutton chops on some of the younger characters. I’d venture that one of the subtle subplots of the film is that the mutton chops are indeed posed to take over our world, but choose to do so slowly, one face and one film at a time. I’d also venture that I am a huge liar. Another entry directed by Peter Sasdy, a man who made solid films but never ones as great as Terence Fisher.

Satanic Rites of Dracula (1974)

Wow. Just wow. Director Alan Gibson and stars Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee probably didn’t know it at first, but they would eventually find that they were the pawns to this film, which seems to have a life of its own, beyond the scope of an 87 minute B picture. While subtle, the various “laughable” portions of this film come together like Voltron to make what is undoubtedly one of the most bizarre horror films of all time, and certainly one of the worst done by a respectable outfit. Imagine 1970’s Britain, a patchwork of conflicting cultural enclaves, all converging at one central, esoteric place: TACKY-DOM, the kingdom of TACKINESS. Now, let us set a Dracula film in this strange place. Let us make Dracula (Christopher Lee) a bizarre combination of Pol Pot, William Randolph Hearst, and Dr. No. Now, let’s get some upper-class freaks into the fray, and make them the governing shareholders of this corporation. Next, import a latter-day Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) and team him up with Scotland Yard’s worst. Finally, execute a pointless series of murders. Look! I just made a movie!

Ridiculous premise aside, this is easily the schlockiest Hammer film I’ve ever seen, but since I’ve only seen about 6 of them, maybe they can get worse. Somehow, there is this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach that says they cannot. This one is available on all sorts of DVDs from different companies, it seems as if no one wants to finally and totally buy the rights to it. See it if only to realize how good you’ve got it.

Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell (1974)

Terence Fisher returns to direct the last of the Frankenstein pictures to be done by Hammer. Shane Briant starts as Simon Helder, a doctor who is sent to an insane asylum for following in the footsteps of the likewise committed Baron Victor Frankenstein (Peter Cushing). When he arrives at his prison, perfectly sane of course, he realizes that Frankenstein is acting as resident medical advisor, and still has the urge to continue with his corpse-animating work.