DESTROY ALL MONSTERS!

Now usually, I’m not one to pick up a movie like Destroy All Monsters, but there was one thing that attracted me to it.

See that there? Yeah, I’m talking about this guy. It’s my fuckin’ Variable Uncanny Embryo Horrible!. So after seeing this, there is no question in my mind that I must rent this movie. Why is my VUEH on the cover of a Godzilla movie?! Now, any person who is cultured probably knows, but not I! So I’m gonna find out.

As with any bad movie, the best idea is to watch it with friends. Remember, the funniness of a movie increases exponentially with the increase of viewers. Hell, four best friends could make even The Green Mile a laugh riot.

I’ll start by saying that after I rented the movie, I managed to find the DVD at Best Buy. So of course I bought it. When you pop the DVD in, the movie plays. Now that may not seem unusual, but I’m saying that the only thing on the DVD is the movie. No extras, no scene selection, no nothing. Just the damn movie cost me 13 bucks… *sigh* Oh well… onto the plot. The opening narrative is to die for. It is done by the guy that does the “____ of Tomorrow” cartoons.

“The year is 1999, the United Nations Scientific Committee (which consists only of Japanese) has established an exploratory base on the moon. A rocket base is also functioning on the Earth. Space craft leave for the moon on a daily schedule.” (Here we see the biggest accomplishment of the future Earth… The SY-3 rocket ship, which will play an important role later.) “An underwater base was recently established near Ogasawara Island. Scientists are studying the habits of marine life.” (Now we see a National Geographic-esque shot of fishes swimming in schools.) New kinds of fish are being bred here… while on land all of the Earth’s monsters have be collected and are living together in a place called Monster Land. WAIT! HOLD UP! BACK THE FUCK UP! What did he just say? Did he just jump from schools of fish to all monsters being collected together??? WAIT! Did they say it was called Monster Land?! Okay. That’s it! I’m calling the cops because this shit must be illegal! (Oh, and here’s the soundclip: Monster Land (59KB) )

After the initial shock, my friends and I were able to get over the fact that it was called Monster Land… or at least we got over it enough to continue the movie. The narrator continues in telling us the different monsters that are on the island. And what a motley crew. Godzilla, Rodan, Anguirus, Mothra, and Gorosaurus. BUT WAIT! Do the surprises ever stop? Mothra… is my Variable Uncanny Embryo Horrible! You may be laughing at me for not knowing this, but this discovery almost… wait, DID make me piss my pants.

The next part is funny… they’re talking about how they keep the monsters on the island. Godzilla walks out to the sea, reaches a barrier, then kicks the water in disgust as he returns to land with his head hanging in defeat.

Now onto the underground base. Control Center is where “everything is automatically controlled,” as they put it.

Well all communication to the island is cut off and the monsters have escaped and are now attacking cities all over the world.

At the press conference following Godzilla attacking New York, the spokesman Dr. Yoshida gives wonderful advice. “All I can say now, is what I said 20 years ago. Remember the typhoon? We must be on our guard.” He also gets away with leaving the meeting with the excuse, “I’m tired.” I wish I could use that one…

The SY-3 on the moon simultaneously discovers a UFO. It must be the suits that make them so smart. Gotta love the fashion trends of the ’90s.

The SY-3 and crew are summoned to come back to Earth and go to Monster Land. This is where we discover what the problem is. A synchronized swimmer gone bad!

We learn two very important things. Number one, the monsters are not only being remotely controlled from the base, but they are being controlled by “remote control.” That’s what the movie says at least! A few humans, including the lovely Kyoko, have been brainwashed by an alien race named the Kiilacks. (Key-Lock… hmmm… whata creative name!) Our silver friend above is the leader of the race, and is described as “a living genius,” (as opposed to all of those dead geniuses we see have walking around everyday.) Once again, the great yellow gas is used on the humans.

One of the brainwashed scientists is captured by the humans and taken to a room somewhere. But not until a big shoot-out is the base abandoned. Here we learn that the aliens have Blasters, people make funny faces when they get shot in the head, and that someone whose head is the only thing visible when hiding behind a giant metal barrier CAN get shot in the stomach.

The plot continues to thicken when our captured brainwashed scientist is under question and jumps out of the 40th story window of a government building. Another shoot-out occurs between brainwashed humans and the Japanese Special Police, (who are special because they wear brown suits!).

The building-jumper is taken to a lab where they remove something from under his skin behind his ear. (Why they knew to look there is beyond me.) One of the greatest conversations in the movie takes place next.

Surgeon: (after removing the device) Was he hard of hearing?
Yoshida: No
Surgeon: It’s not a hearing aid.  (No shit, it wasn’t in his ear dumb ass.)
Scientist: It’s hard to tell what it is. But I think its some kind of metal. I can tell you right now, that this is some sort of miniature transmitter.  (Whoa, whoa, woah! I thought he just said he didn’t know what it was?!?)

So now we know how the Kiilacks are controlling the monsters… with radio waves and these transmitters. So a project to find the source of these waves is created and it is headed by non-other than Katsuo! They trace the signal to a quaint mountain town.
Town Constable: What’s wrong?
Katsuo: We’re checking for waves.
Town Constable: Oh, go right ahead.
It seems that in this town strange men in yellow suits checking for radio waves is the norm, as they seem to be un-phased by this event.

The next part of the movie is all boring crap. The monsters are destroying some cities (sometimes the same parts of the city multiple times). So we’ll skip this crap.

A full scale military assault is launched on the monsters. This full scale attack lasts one day and requires many jeeps and a fuckin’ huge arsenal of missiles. This doesn’t do anything except allow for a search for the Kiilack base (two seemingly unrelated events). We have another Kiilack-Human battle which results in a human victory.

As a last resort, the Kiilacks send out King Ghidoran… the most bad ass monster ever conceived.

Fortunately, the humans destroy the source of radio transmission that go to the monsters. So instead of attacking the cities, we have a 10 minute fight sequence that includes all monsters (even ones that haven’t been introduced yet.) They whack at King Ghidoran, punch him, strangle him, even stomp his neck multiple times. After defeating him, Godzilla and Goro do a lil’ victory dance.

I won’t tell you how the movie ends, because at this point if I did, you wouldn’t go out and rent it. Oh wait. You’re not going to anyway. So the humans kill the Kiilacks. And the monsters are returned to Monster Land. There’s some dramatic music too. The last shot is Godzilla and his son waving to a helicopter. How touching… I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…

There is symbolism gallore in this movie if you pay enough attention. Like the Kiilacks represent the natural evil of huma… fuck it. This has gone on long enough. Go rent the movie.

You can download the entire soundtrack here… It’s a 27 second long wav file that sounds like they hired Mrs. McKinney’s 7th grade band class to play. ENJOY! DAM Song (293KB)

Another sound clip… it’s wise words for any of you who are down and depressed, or are going to be running in a marathon (download it and you’ll understand the joke): Human Race (49KB)