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Winter Break: Neither winter nor a break. By Bobby and Jimmy - 10.13.04 First off, we have to establish how this article is written. We sat down and wrote it together. The font in blue belongs to Bobby. The font in red is that of Jimmy. Jimmy and I were watching the South Park 'Aspen' episode and decided we needed to go to Blockbuster and rent a crappy 80's skiing movie… like Aspen Extreme or Ski School. Our fuckin' Blockbuster didn't carry any of these fine movies so we were reduced to renting the next worst thing… Winter Break. I had heard of Winter Break because two of the songs on the soundtrack are from a friend's brother's band: Welbilt. Loose connection, I know. But it was good enough for us and certainly good enough for our free coupon! That's invertation, holmes. They didn't have a special edition or Criterion collection DVD… so we were forced to rent a regular old crappy Digital Versatile Disc.  We open to previews after the 'Play Movie' option… always a sign of a winner. Once the movie starts there's a voiceover babbling about how if only life were as simple and pleasing as skiing, thus setting up the extended metaphor that'll be pounded into our heads for the next 90 minutes. Then some more expository bullshit about how the protagonist, Matt, has suddenly lost his post-college dream job and is stuck deep in student loan debts. The solution: blow-off bumming around Aspen with his friends and get a shitty job with his uncle. OR SO HE THINKS. At this point I realize which person at my school Matt looks like, and I start to intensely hate him.  Tyler and Matt  Carter and hot chick  Peter Next scene: graduation party from our ex-Duke student who is afraid he'll end up in Buffalo working some shitty job for his uncle. We are introduced to his much cooler friends… Tyler the token Bluto-esque fratty character, Carter the mad-phat-chick-killer, and Peter the loser (but still cooler than Matt). Peter is the most recognizable of the cast as he played Finch in American Pie (Eddie Kaye Thomas!) He's basically reprising his role here as the loser that gets laid in the end… SHIT RUINED THE WHOLE MOVIE. Matt's girlfriend breaks up with him cause she's all about the mad New York lifestyle, and none of that Buffalo bullshit. He gets smashed on tequila and wakes up to find that his friends have dragged him halfway to Aspen. We then shoot straight into the SECOND credits montage of the movie, and we're only ten minutes in. God, help us. The function of this montage is to get us to Colorado via zany antics and what appears to be traveling back in time as far as weather and the seasons are concerned. As you recall, graduation takes place in May… but somehow we're on Winter Break. This is amazing directorial work, if you ask me. They introduce a metaphor about Matt's ideal girlfriend 'Red Truck Girl' and then explain the metaphor immediately via a voice-over. This guy has to work on his inner monologue. Peter and Matt hit up a job fair to distribute flyers for their party. You obviously can see the flaws in this scheme, but the question is posed by Peter: "Is this too college?" NO SUCH THING! Yeah. In fact, this is way too un-collegey considering they just graduated. Didn't they learn a god damned thing?! I'm not exactly sure how it happens, but somehow we're introduced to Michelle and Kirsten, two realistically-attractive-but-not-quite-hot girls. Since this is a crappy movie, they're obviously the female leads. They talk or something, and end up coming to the party. I guess the point of the whole job fair thing is to provide a somewhat plausible excuse for these kids not starving to death in Aspen…they have low-level jobs! Those will easily pay for their two million dollar condo! In another filler scene, we learn that Michelle is being pressured by her parents top move to New York…against her will. Remember this, cause it's one of the reason I have serious fucking issues with the end of the movie.  The Ladies: Michelle and Kirsten Peter introduces himself at the party as Rico Suave when the two leading ladies show up. Michelle heads out back to 'grab a beer' and to have sit next to Matt. She asks him the wonderfully random question, "have you ever read the book Moon Mother Moon?" KEEP THIS IN MIND BECAUSE IT IS A DEVICE TO DRIVE THE PLOT FORWARD. The next morning the fellas wake up to Carter coming out of his room with a legitimately-hot girl. Oh, Carter! You're such a playa. I hope we get to see you nail more chicks throughout the movie.  Such a classic read. So what do people do when they first arrive in Aspen? They grab their gear and hike to the summit when they're totally out of shape, probably hung over, and not at all used to the altitude. But what awaits them at the top? George fuckin' Lazenby. He's the guru-on-top-of-the-mountain type. He and his wife Milly apparently sit around dispensing advice to clueless graduates. Today's pearl of wisdom: Do what you enjoy doing! I guess he didn't enjoy playing James Bond… because he sucked pretty fucking hard. Also, remember this because it's another plot point that is ignored in the resolution. Yeah, Jimmy had no idea how pissed he'd be at the end of this when we're first introduced to Lazenby. Also, we're going to assume he doesn't have a character name - what with being George Lazenby the WORLD FAMOUS ACTOR and all. Actually, I think he's named Cam.  George Lazenby and Milly Um, some more stuff happens…I should not that none of this actually develops the characters, but rather serves only to create comic potential from the one-dimensionalism. I have no problem with this…as archetypes go, these guys are okay. At one point Matt's car breaks down, and Michelle just happens to pass by and save the day. They get coffee, which of course leads to watching a movie at his place and her falling asleep in his lap. She wakes up, he goes for the kiss, and she reveals that she has a boyfriend in New York…and he just happens to be a Wall Street trader! The exact same job that Matt was going to get before the economy crashed! By the way, it's polite to let guys who are obviously into you know that you're unavailable BEFORE you go out on a date with him.  Tyler, when Matt brings Michelle home saying "I'm tired anyway, so I'm going to go crash out!" More like, "I'm going to go drink alone in my room." Everyone bums around and skis until Christmas comes. Matt and Michelle teach kids to ski…they obviously like each. Sidenote: kids are adorable. Peter and Kirsten interact. At this point I call them sleeping together at the end of the movie. Christmas is going great, till Michelle's boyfriend makes a surprise visit. UH-OHH!! His name's Tom.  Fuckin' Tom Enter the Sneaker Ball! Well now Matt can't take Michelle because of Tom the Tool. So what does he have going for him? Peter points out "You're a stud ski instructor. That's top of the foodchain here." But Matt understands the reality of the situation: "No, I'm a kids ski instructor." I know EXACTLY how he feels. I'm a ski instructor myself… but the whole teaching kids thing puts a severe limit on the array of females I meet. Mostly they're between the ages of 8 and 12 and I definitely can't see how hot they are under those bulky jackets and the scarves and hats.    Now we get basically our only underwear scene in the entire film with Michelle and Kirsten in their bras. This is a total thumbs down because there are no sexy results. I'd like to point out that once again Michelle says how she does NOT want to move to New York and leave the wintery wonderland of Aspen. So Matt ends up taking Becca - the chick working at the bar, who ends up just socializing with other males. As any good pissed of male, Matt gets drunk and picks a fight with the guy hitting on Michelle (Vito. More on him later. Actually, we'll do it now. Vito is the suave Italian guy that has an eye for Michelle. They actually speak Italian to each other whenever they're in scenes together. So, a few questions. Why are they at Sneaker Ball together when she has a boyfriend and he is a known womanizer? Why do they have this Italian-speaking connection? Why is he not in the movie ever again after this scene? My theory is that he's a relative or something and they just cut out that revelation. The whole premise is flawed! Matt gets a job in Seattle (doesn't matter how but he has to start in a week). Moving on. Back in Aspen he catches an early chairlift ride up the mountain and meets up with Michelle randomly. He apologizes and they ski down together. As the skiing sequences plays he once again takes the time to explain his extended metaphor. He should have been using that time to work on his inner monologue… or his posture.  Hook Up or Throw Up After hitting the bars, as usual, everyone ends up at the house and Matt and Michelle go up to his room. She confesses to breaking up with Tom and then PASSES OUT… so Matt eerily watches over her as she sleeps. He doesn't even cop a feel or nuthin'. Movies are so fake.  HIGH-FIVE FOR CARTER! The next morning we wake up to more of Carter's womanizing. Two chicks at once (it was an all-painter three-way). The only thing notable about this scene is that there's a fat guy sleeping on the couch whom no one knows. He wakes up and reveals himself as Vogel. We never see him again. We don't know how he got there (there wasn't a party or anything.) He has two lines. He's the best character in the film. We wanna do a spinoff: Winter Break 2: Vogel's Flight.  Vogel Oh, Michelle and Matt kiss.  Everyone gets together for a night ski run, but Michelle and Matt slip away to BANG. The next morning she discovers his plane tickets to Seattle and he spills the beans about the job. She is understandably upset considering he chased her down, slept with her, and that now he's leaving her in three days for Seattle and hasn't once mentioned that fact. Also, SHE IS BUILDING A LIFE IN ASPEN AND DOESN'T WANT TO GIVE UP HER GOALS TO FOLLOW DOUCHEBAG BUSINESS-GUYS TO THE BIG FUCKING CITY. Matt explains to us in a voice-over that life is not going as he had planned. NO SHIT. I knew that! I knew that because that's what the movie is about. You'd have to be seriously Vogel-like to not be aware of your surroundings. He then apologizes to Michelle at the ski school. "I had dug my own pit and fallen right in. I guess Cam was trying to make me feel better when he said we can learn from our mistakes and move on or flounder in them. At least I had the Seattle job." YOU ALSO HAD A JOB AT ASPEN AND A GIRL THERE THAT YOU LOVED. WHAT THE FUCK IS SO GREAT ABOUT SEATTLE? IT RAINS ALL THE TIME AND THEIR ONLY CLAIMS TO FAME ARE A COFFEE SHOP THAT LITTERS THE LANDSCAPE OF THE U.S. AND A BAND WHOSE LEAD SINGER IS DEAD. They also invented "Seahawk blue." At Cam and Milly's 40th anniversary there is a gay joke or two and Peter hooks up with Kirsten. The hooking-up scene is something straight out of American Pie. Kirsten has Peter dress up in a cheerleader's costume while she wears a varsity jacket. The gay coffee-shop character walks in on them and everyone sees Peter in his hilariously-embarrassing skirt. "You can keep the outfit," Milly remarks. This scene is just totally out of place. Not like the movie has any sort of integrity… but still.  HOW EMBARASSING! Michelle lays… or is it lies? Shit. Michelle's reclining. Michelle's reclining in bed and opens up the copy of Moon Mother Moon Matt has left for her. He has written on the inside: There is a problem with this. The text in the book does not match the voice-over done by Matt. He inserts some bullshit about "but if that's not possible and I pray it is," before the right after the "I really hope we can talk" comment. I think there's some sort of unity with the rest of the movie's voice-over narration irregardless of what the book says. Matt's inner-monologue pours into the movie in all the wrong places and inappropriately at best. So it could be his inner monologue taking control over what was actually written. I'm thinking of doing my senior thesis for Film Theory on this point. Winter Break is such a heady movie. Another montage! A flashback montage! Yeah…montage! Summarize the plot up to this point, remind everyone of what is happening! Quickly show how you met and explain the ups and downs of the relationship! Use clips of definitive moments! Mon-tage! (sung to a hip eighties guitar track). Thanks to the power of montage, Matt realizes his error and flies back to Aspen to see Michelle. How does he have the money for this? This is his second roundtrip flight to Seattle. Also, how did he find and afford a place to stay in Seattle? What the fuck? There's some more voiceover in which we're treated to the gem, "life was like skiing." Gee, thanks for actually coming out and saying the exact same fucking thing you've been implying for an hour and twenty-eight minutes. Dick. Matt runs into Michelle's elementary school class (did we mention she substitute teaches? I don't think so.) while she's reading Moon Mother Moon to the class. He makes and impassioned plea and she forgives him. And now, the conclusion. Oh, boy. Matt does so well at his new job that he's rewarded with a weekend at the company condo in Aspen. Gee, weren't you just living there? And Michelle moves up to Seattle to pursue her Master's, which is an ambition that has not been even remotely hinted at in the entire movie. So basically, this guy wanted a really fast-paced job and a girl to follow him to it. At the beginning of the movie he loses those things and moves to Aspen to reevaluate and find himself. And what does he learn? Nothing! You can still get that fast-paced job, and that girl will still follow you there, even if it's totally against her character and you were an ass to her!  Wait, you did ended up moving out of Aspen?! No. Just, no. This movie sets itself up as a coming of age tale, but the main character doesn't actually develop or learn anything. I don't buy that Michelle would give up on teaching in Aspen, which is what she wants to do, and move to Seattle with him. I don't buy that this generic business job in Seattle is better than teaching skiing and doing what you love in a beautiful place with the person you love. Essentially, the message is that happiness comes from living in a city and making a lot of money, and that you should force your love-life to conform to this. I don't buy it. There are some women who will follow their man anywhere, that's true. But he shouldn't be looking for happiness somewhere else when he's already got it right where he fucking is. What an ass. I couldn't have said it better. So in conclusion, go rent this movie if you have a free-rental coupon and are in the mood to see a well explained extended-metaphor amount to nothing. Well, honestly, it's an okay movie. It's well edited, it's not that long, the pacing is okay, and there are a few good jokes and some good ski footage. It just has a dissatisfying ending and the protagonist is not a likeable character. When you think about it, this movie is like a ski slope. Even if you end up at the bottom you still can ride back up to the top. It just takes longer and there's a chance the lift might break down. And lots of people have trouble getting off (BA-ZING). Note: if looking for the film on IMDb go here: Sheer Bliss. For whatever reason it's actually supposed to be titled "Sheer Bliss" or alternately "Snow Job". Winter break makes even less sense than those two, if you ask me. |
