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Frailty
By Derek - 07.19.03
If you're one of those people who find Bill Paxton, preteen boys and the loving hands of God scary, you might want to do yourself a favor and rent Frailty. By the end, I'm sure any fear you may have had going in will be chewed up, swallowed, digested and crapped out, much like my eternal soul and, more importantly, my time. Honestly, I had a good feeling when I rented (nitpickers might call it "illegally downloaded") this movie, as the storyline generally sparked my interest. God stops us from killing people every day, so a movie about a family who kill with God's permission is a young Christian boy's version of Christmas. And what a movie about a family who kill with God's permission it was! Only confusing acting decisions and gaping plot holes keep this movie from ranking in the "Top 100 Religious Serial Killing Movies starring Matthew McConaughey of ALL TIME".
We begin with a decent title sequence depicting various pictures and newspaper articles dealing with the mysterious "God's Hand Killer". In what has to be a new world record, shitty movie warning number one pops up mere seconds into the film: Directed by Bill Paxton. Yeah that's right, Bill "Game over man! Game over!" Paxton. Actors directing movies is something like grunts leading armies. They see a real commander barking out field orders, sending out dispatches, moving battalions into position and think to themselves "Hey! That's looks pretty easy!" or if they're from Texas "Easy looks to me, that! Yippee skippie!" Of course it's only after their entire division is wiped out by a small band of Tibetan peace monks that they seem to understand just how hard it is to make, organize and lead a project as opposed to following it. Lack of experience or qualification in the field of directing led Paxton to commit small first time mistakes like leaving out a fundamental basis of logic in his characters, as well as failing to realize that his audience's IQ is higher (though only slightly) than 75. But hey, what do I know? James Cameron called this movie "Electrifying!", Sam Raimi added that it was "The most disturbing horror picture I've seen since 'The Shining" and Stephen King classified it as "Edge-of-your-seat entertainment". Unfortunately for you Mr. Paxton, I don't live in Hollywood so you can't come to my home to PUT A PISTOL TO MY HEAD AND FORCE ME TO SAY GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOUR MOVIE. GAME OVER, FAGGOT!
So hey, good ole Matty McConaughey strolls into a Dallas FBI station (Shitty movie warning number two: Our hero lives in Texas. Psshh. Is there anything more unrealistic than a likable Texan? Maybe aliens who want to establish peaceful relations with humans instead of destroying them but that's it). He wants to see the detective in charge of The God's Hand Killer case. Instead of being thrown out on his ass like I am every time I go into an FBI building and demand to see one of their agents, our golden haired hero gets to wait for the agent all alone in his office. When the two finally meet, McConaughey questions the agent (Wesley Doyle) on why he has a picture of his mother on his desk. Now there are of course two ways to respond to this type of question. The first is to look straight at the person, slap him in the face and say "BECAUSE SHE'S MY MOTHER! WHAT KIND OF ASSFUCKING QUESTION IS THAT?" The second method is to suspiciously change the subject and alert the audience that there's actually a very strange reason as to why you have a picture of your mother on your desk. Guess which one Doyle chooses? Nice move Bill, subtle, really.
It turns out Blondie has a name. Fenton Meeks, and he's here to divulge this awesome secret info on The God's Hand Killer. BUT FIRST………we must hear his crappy life story so that this film actually takes up two hours of screen time. You see Fenton lived a pretty normal life. Got a hardworking dad, a little brother and a mom who's deader than shit. Well everything's going just swell for Fenton and his little brother Adam until their father (played by the Captain of this Shitcruiser of a film, Bill Paxton) wakes them up in the middle of the night to tell them something amazing. An angel talked to him, and told him that demons existed in the world. Moreover, he has been put in charge of destroying these demons, and will be given 3 spiritual weapons and a list of demons that are hiding in human form. Now I don't know about you, but when I have a dream I don't barge into my brother's room and tell him that a werewolf just clawed his way out of dad's chest and swam away in a nearby river of apple juice, but hey, I guess this dream was really realistic.
Now at this point you gotta figure "Hey, it's a movie, so maybe demons do exist. At least we'll get to see Bill Paxton wield some badass Christian weapons against some wicked demon beasts". And you'd be right, if a pair of gloves, a rusty lead pipe and a wooden axe fit your description of "badass". I tend to put them in the "bad" and "ass" categories, just not both of them together. Oh well, at least we'll get to see demons……(Fuck you Bill Paxton)
You see there's a problem. Fenton has a good idea that his dad is batshit crazy, but his little brother Adam is so hyped up at the thought of tasting sweet, sweet blood that he hangs onto his father's every word, lapping up his insane extremist plot to kill demons who look just like real people. Despite Fenton's greatest efforts, Adam is unwilling to abandon his father's quest to hit people over the head with a lead pipe and then chop their heads off. Personally I don't blame the kid. There's definitely a few "demons" I know who I'd like to "hit over the head" with a "lead pipe", "chop off" their "heads" and then "piss all over" their "dead bodies" myself. By the way. "fuck you", Bill Paxton.
We flash back to the FBI office and it becomes readily apparent that Fenton is trying to tell Agent Doyle that his little brother Adam is The God's Hand Killer (EDIT: This also may have been hinted in the beginning of their encounter when Fenton gave Agent Doyle this cryptic statement to the identity of The God's Hand Killer: "My brother Adam is The God's Hand Killer". Sorry I left that small-and relatively gay I might add-detail out from this incredible review of this film. PS Fuck you Bill Paxton).
 With murders usually come bodies, and Fenton thinks he knows where the bodies of The God's Hand Killer are hidden. Every time their father "destroyed" a demon, they buried him in the rose garden. How a single father supporting two kids could own and maintain a large well kept rose garden is beyond me. Perhaps he works a second job at "The Shitty Plot Hole Factory" and stole a couple holes when no one was looking. Doyle and Fenton decide to drive over to the rose garden to look for the bodies, but not before Fenton is made to wear some kinky handcuffs for Agent Doyle's "protection". I guess going out with known accomplices to serial murderers to crime scenes in the middle of the night with no backup is just standard FBI procedure. While in the car Fenton again asks why Doyle has that picture of his mother on his desk. Doyle remarks that she was murdered by some wacko like Fenton's dad. What kind of fucked up world is this where people can't put pictures of their mother in their offices without being ruthlessly interrogated and having their personal lives being pried into? I have pictures of my mother everywhere. Sometimes I even kiss them and bathe with them, and there's nothing wrong with either me or her. Fucking Texans. But I digress. We flash back to Fenton's childhood and witness the murder of several people by Fenton's father, who forces his children to watch him brutally hack his victims to bits with an axe. When Fenton resists and reports his father's rampage to the local sheriff, not only does his father kill the sheriff, he accuses Fenton of being a demon. Why, that's ridiculous! I laugh heartily at Fenton's father for making such a stupid and baseless comment. Fenton's father isn't a demon, and we can assume that his mother wasn't a demon considering that Adam is 100% pure Christian Killing Machine. So if neither the mother nor the father of Fenton is a demon, then it is actually impossible for Fenton to be a demon, right Mr. Paxton?
…….Uh, Mr. Paxton? Right?
Worst. Movie. Ever.
For the heinous crime of reporting his father's vicious murders, Fenton is locked in the cellar and must remain there until God speaks to him. After a week he finally collapses of exhaustion and his father pulls him out with this incredulous "What happened?" look on his face. Fenton is eventually nursed back to health and tells his father that God has spoken to him and told him his destiny. I call Paxton's death right here. They suit up to find the next person on their list and head out. After a touching moment where father and son help brain a guy with the lead pipe of Jesusness, they bring their latest demon back to the shed to finish God's work. Paxton hands the axe to Fenton to give the killing blow, who summarily turns around and murders Paxton. Damn I'm good. Before dying, Paxton whispers something unintelligible into the ear of his youngest son Adam. If I had to guess, it was probably something like "HOLY FUCK I'VE BEEN AXED IN THE CHEST! CALL THE HOSPITAL NOW BECAUSE I'VE BEEN AXED IN THE CHEST BY THAT COCKSUCKING BROTHER OF YOURS!"
 I guess we'll never know. But the good part of this is that there was a lesson to this movie. Fenton's father was so crazed and eager to bring his family into his world of murder and extremism that it eventually became his undoing. Now, with his death, hopefully this endless cycle of bloodshed can finally be ov-oh…..it seems little 8 year old Adam just picked up the axe and ruthlessly slaughtered the victim that Fenton refused to kill. Nevermind. No lesson here. Just ass. Lots and lots of ass.
While burying their father and the victim, Fenton asks Adam to bury him in the Rose Garden if he ever comes to destroy him. Adam promises and we switch back to present day, and buckle your seatbelts folks, cause we're about to experience a whole lotta SWERVE! Long story short (and yes I realize the irony of compacting this part of the movie after the 5 page essay I've already written), it turns out McConaughey isn't really Fenton. He's Adam. Ok ok so far so not completely terrible, please go on. Adam (McConaughey) apparently grew up to continue his father's work. Fenton, on the other hand, went insane from the ordeal and became The God's Hand Killer. They're paths finally crossed when Fenton's name appeared on Adam's list. Keeping things in the family, Adam axed his dear brother Fenton and buries him in the rather overcrowded Rose Garden. Upon hearing this, Agent Doyle pulls out his gun. He calls Adam crazy, Adam throws out his best momma joke and Doyle lunges at him. Instead of shooting him, he lunges at him. He lunges at him. Gun still in his hand. Agent Doyle. Lunging.
Using the power of God, or "Let's find a way for a handcuffed Adam to disarm a fricken FBI agent", a simple touch renders Doyle paralyzed. Oh but I hope you didn't unbuckle that seatbelt of yours because here comes another SWERVE! Like his father, Adam is able to see people's sins through the power of touch. When he comes into contact with Doyle, we find out that OMG Doyle was the ultra secret murderer of his mother! Why? Because he's a demon.
Ok this is ridiculous. If Doyle has a mother then he's not a demon. If Doyle is a person who is possessed by a demon, then we need to be informed of that. Otherwise this is horseshit. Let's just play pretend and buy the whole "Agent Doyle is a demon" scenario. You're Agent Demon Doyle. A man walks into your office; I don't care whether his name is Fenton, Adam or Fagman. He begins to methodically tell you his life story, detailing his discovery of the existence of demons and God's recruitment of human beings to destroy them. You then go with this man to a secluded Rose Garden in the middle of the night, where he proceeds to tell you that he is the disciple of God commanded to destroy demons. You are a demon. It's safe to assume at this point that the demons he refers to include you. He is handcuffed. You have a gun. You pull out your gun. He mentions your mother, who you yourself brutally murdered. You take offense. What do you do?
You lunge.
I'm not going to say that Frailty is a complete waste of time. It should be shown to every two-bit actor with aspirations to direct in Hollywood. Every grunt who thinks he can do the commander's job should be forced to watch this and then analyze every amateurish detail, every directorial mistake, every goatse.cx-sized plot hole. Then afterwards, if they still want to direct a movie, they should be shot in the head. Just don't lunge at him before you do it.
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