Article Index :: Front Page
3 Ninjas: Kid Power
By Bobby Bokista - 02.11.02
When I first saw this movie, it rocked my socks off. I remember playing "3 Ninjas" with two of my friends. I was always Colt because I never was the coolest, but I wasn't the fatass either. We'd go around kicking the asses of invisible "bad guys" and saving the day.
But movies like this never gain the fame they deserve, so it's up to those who love it to bring it back and showcase it for all to see. This article has been the most effort and most costly of all the articles I've done. I have 7 dollars in late fees for the movie at Blockbuster, had to buy a 9 Volt battery for my
video capturing device, and spent at least 7 hours working on the article. I hope you enjoy it.
The movie begins with our three boys, Samuel, Jefferey, and Michael. They are staying at their grandfather's house like they do every summer. Grandpa trains them in the ways of the Ninja, and this year they're getting really good. In fact, they've
improved so much that Grandpa decided it's time for them to become more like real ninjas. So I present to you: The Day of Names!
 
Grandpa: Samuel, from this day forward until forever you will be known as Rocky. Because you are strong. Solid. And cool as granite rock.
Rocky: Awesome!
Grandpa: Jefferey. You're fast and free. Spirit of the young wild horse. You shall be known as Colt!
Colt: (Reluctantly) That's cool.
Michael:What about me? Can I be monster destroyer? Or how about Super Killer?
Colt: How about Super Dork?
Grandpa: Little one, since your energy begins and ends with your tummy... you shall be known as Tum-Tum!
Rocky: I can't wait to show these to dad.
Colt: He'll hate them.
Tum-Tum: Grandpa, will dad be home tomorrow when we get back?
Rocky: Grandpa, more importantly. How come we have absolutely no Asian blood in us, yet you're actually from Japan?
Well, maybe not that last line. But you know they were thinking it. And thus begins a really really cool movie.
 
Their dad is an FBI agent who goes to get this guy named Hugo Snyder. Apparently they are selling what appears to be Metal Nerf Vortex footbals... but they're actually bombs I think. Snyder has amassed an army of ninjas at his disposal, which stop the FBI from capturing him. They're not good enough, though!
He get's away on a helicopter!
Hasta la pasta!
 
Things get complicated when Snyder decides to pay a visit to Granpa Tanaka. We don't know why he visits Grandpa, but we have a feeling we're about to find out. Oh, and what kinda asshole am I that I am using the
"royal we" when talking about the movie.Snyder's ninja militia attacks clan! The little kids end up kicking the ninja militias as with the help of their grandpa. So, what was that all about? Let's find out.
Snyder need's Grandpa to train his weak ninja army. He also wants grandpa to call Samuel Douglas (dad) off of his ass... else someone is going to get hurt.
 
Beware! There's a bit of foreshadowing in the next part. Grandpa is training them in the art of kicking people's asses really easily with pressure points. Whenever they kick the dummy in the right poit, its eys light up. Remember this!
  Grandpa takes the kids home, and we first meet Emily.
For now just remember the name Emily, for she's Rocky's "girlfriend." I wish I could play the song for you, so if I can eventually find it on WAV I'll link it. Dad is never too happy about the kids going off with Grandpa, the crazy old Asian man, but if he wants to get poon from his wife, he doesn't have much of a choice. As soon as they arrive home, he has to leave for work, and once again
neglects the poor kids. No wonder they don't have much faith in their father.
Colt: I'm Colt because I'm fast, he's Rocky because he's solid and he's Tum-Tum because he'll eat anything.
Tum Tum: I won't eat dog poop.
 
Snyder needs some outside help... so he hires three bonehead surfers. We're introduced to them in a convenience store, where they're looking at a surfer chick magazine and discussing how hot she is. They'd "take her down to any beach!" Then we see inside the magazine and it's a surf board. Get it? A surf board! Tee-hee-hee haw haw haw!! Oh ho!! Edward Emanuel, you rascally writer you. Anyway.
Fester: Hammer, go score a frozen free concentrate and those gnarly little snackcakes.
Hammer: No sweat, dude!
Fester: Marcus, score us some nacho chips and some radical salsa.
Marcus: Dude!
Fester: None of that green stuff. And you my good man. [Aiming gun at clerk] Open up the cash register. That's right, dude, us three bone heads are sticking you up. Open up that register before I have to get nasty. [Pager goes off] Excuse me, sir, could I please use your telephone?
They're hired!! Hillarity will surely ensue! Let's see what happens!
 
We cut to the kid's house, who want to go back to Grandpa's house and don't want to go to schol. Tum-Tum is playing Super Mario Bros. 3!! Cool, right? Well guess what... the bozo's behind the camera made a HUGE continuity error. The first time we see Tum-tum playin, he's very much obviously in World 5-1. When it cuts back, he's only at the beginning of world 1-3. How odd! YOU EDITORS ARE THE BIGGEST FUCKING IDIOTS FOR NOT NOTICING THAT! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU? ANY IDIOT WOULD KNOW THAT. JESUS!
From here on out we will refer to our three bonehead surfer baddies as "Point Break Trio." Now interestingly enough, Samuel Douglas Sr. (the dad) was in a movie called Breaking Point... which is almost like Point Break, which is the name of that gnarly surfer movie with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. So the point break trio pull up to the house in the middle of the night to break in and kidnap the children!
 
When the Point Break Trio pulls up, a bunch of other cars pull up to. "Those guys look like Feds or something," they say as the agents get out of their cars with giant FBI letters on the backs of their jackets. But, tomorrow is another day!
And the next day IS another day! How about that for foreshadowing?! Man oh man. Moving right along. The kids head to school... on bikes! I rode my bike to school once, ended up being late and lost my helmet at somepoint during the day. Didn't do that ever again. But they're riding along the sidewalk, and cut back into the street. And this is when I noticed what they did while riding! You know how the part of the curb that leads to the driveway...
They jump off of it like I sused to do when I was in elementary school! It was always such a good feeling, flying on the curb... gaining mad air, the feel of my seat between my legs as I landed with no shocks. Ooh yeah! Oh, and the bad guys don't get the kids. This pisses off Snyder very much.
 
In the meantime, a couple of bullys stole Emily's bike. Because Rocky was being a show off and went off roading on his shitty Huffy, Emily was left unprotected and now he has to suffer the consequences.
 
During their lunch break at school Colt is playing with a basketball. He throws it to a black kid who drops it and it bounches off of his foot. ANOTHER ERROR!!! Because this kid is black, there is NO WAY he would have dropped that ball! Probably should have pulled out some Harlem Globetrotters shit on their Ninja asses. But alas, that happens, and the two bullies get the ball. They challenge Colt and Rocky to a game of basketball, first to 10. And Rocky spots them 9 points!
 
In the words of the great ninja... UN-BE-REEBE-A-BULL! Some mad phat basketballing goes on, and the 2 Ninjas kick their asses! Rocky scores the final point with a Michael Jordon dunk that's worthy of George Michael's Sports Machine!!
The plot continues to thicken as Snyder and his Ninja goons are climbing aboard a boat and Grandpa sees. Uh-oh!
 
Now we see every kid's wost nightmare... the BABYSITTER!!! OH GNOS!! Big ugly woman has come to take care of the 3 Ninjas! Colt has been moping about his father being away, and this ticked-offed-nessed is increased when his mother goes to help his father, who is working late. "Who is this bad guy anyway," he asks. His mother tells him to look at the file on the desk he is sitting at. She leaves and he does. Lo-and-behold this bad guy is none other than Snyder, who they fought Grandpa's! Holy Shitcock! Colt tells everyone and the plot thickens! Now grandpa's integrity is
in jeopardy, since he's "friends" with a bad guy!
 
Using a cunning "Dress-Up-As-Pizza Guys" plan, the Point Break Trio thrwarts the 100 year old babysitter in "Operation Kick Butt!" Colt sees them break in though, and warns his brothers:
Colt: Okay guys, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the delivery guy just creamed the babysitter with the pizza.
Rocky and Tum-Tum: Awesome!
Colt: The bad news is, they're carrying guns.
More importantly than the guns is what the kids are doin. They're sitting on the top bunk playing electronic handheld games. My guesses based on date and color is Tiger Double Dragon II and Konami Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I had Tiger Ninja Gaiden and Konami Double Dribble. Here are some pictures!
Colt thinks that taking on the robbers would be a good idea, to show dad that Ninja training is paying off! So let's murtalize them!! (in the words of Tum-Tum). The best part about being a Ninja is the matching mask-clothing set. I wish I had something like this. Now, because my movie capturing program is kinda weak, you can't tell that Rocky is green (left), Colt is blue (right), and Tum-Tum is yellow (center).
 
In a Home Alone style, the 3 Ninjas set up the house so to thwart the robbers. Colt dresses up in all white with a white mask and hides in a white room and kicks their asses like a ghost. Tum-Tum makes the floors all slippery with soap and oil. Which means falling down! And falling down is funny! Oh ho ho! Laugh riot! Colt throws CDs at them like Ninja stars! Tum-Tum makes horrible horrible sneezing-chili-powder-eye-burning stuff out of household food ingrediants to blind them! Kids, do try this at home! Oh yeah, and laxatives are funny too. Which they put in their sodas.
 
Phase 2 of thwart the kidnappers! The kidnappers trick Emily into coming over. Oh no! That means more trouble! Rocky is training with a ski pole and colt is sharpening a letter opener. This is when the laxative kicks in! Hammer and Marcus run to the bathrooms and Tum-Tum whacks Fester in the face with a tennis racket from above on a moose head!! Just when things seem to going their way... Snyder's Ninja goons come over. One of these is a huge man that goes by the name of Rushmore. The boys have been catched! Caught. Whatever.
 
Grandpa and Dad argue about how to get the boys back from Snyder. Grandpa is the only one that can do the job, because he's a ninja. And only ninjas can beat ninjas. And Snyder is a ninja at heart.
Snyder's boat is a ninja traning house. And we learn that Grandpa trained Snyder! Oh no! Colt thinks that Grandpa sold them out! Poor guy.
Rocky gets the 3 Ninjas out of their cell by some phone trick that I won't bother to explain. Instead, I'll think it, and hope you can read my mind. *thinking* Pretty cool, aye? The kids are running through the ship kicking ninja-militia ass with crowbars and lead pipes and shit. Remember, a Ninja is one with his surroundings and uses nature to his advantage. So there is more ass kicking. They end up in a really big dojo room and are surrounded! This is when one of the most famous lines from the movie is said!
Rocky: We should run.
Tum Tum: We should hide.
Colt: We should kick their butts!
 
And they do. Just when they think they've finished... here comes Rushmore. Things look hopeless, but Grandpa comes in to save the day! "Remember the practice dummy! Light up the eyes boy! Light up the eys! And they do! Rushmore is down for the count! But all the other ninjas in the room have guns. Some ninjas they are...
Now it's Grandpa's time to save the day! He does a flip from 20 feet in the air, lands on his feet, and is here to help. Grandpa challenges Snyder to a fight. Colt calls Snyder a geek. HAW HAW. A GEEK! Did you hear that! MOTHER FUCKAS!!! Tum-Tum gives Grandpa five jelly beans for good luck. "Remember boys, don't enter a fight you cannot win."
 
Round 1... FIGHT!! Now it seems that this fight is unfair, since Grandpa actually has a sword. But don't worry, Snyder gets one and the match becomes more even. Oh, and then Grandpa loses his. Then Snyder loses his. Then Snyder cheats and uses a pepper bomb on Grandpa, rendering him nearly blind! Grandpa then gets the living shit kicked out of him. Just when Grandpa is about to die, he stuffs the jelly beans in Snyders mouth, which he chokes on and loses the battle! Grandpa nearly kills him, but because he's a good ninja he has mercy on Snyder. Bad idea! Snyder grabs a gun... and shots are fired!!! But, wait! Look, it's dad!! He shot Snyder in the side! Hoorah! What does this teach us? Guns save the day, of course! NRA FOREVER!
 
Colt's issues are now resolved, since dad decides that instead of staying to gather evidence, he's taking the boys out for the staple food of the early 90's... pizza! And that is how the West was won! Unfortunately, the three other 3 Ninja movies Kick Back, Knuckle Up, and High Noon at Mega Mountain could not compare to the original. Only Knuckle Up starred all of the orginial kids, and High Noon at Mega Mountain didn't have any of the original kids. They all sucked by the way. So go out and rent 3 Ninjas today and get some KID POWER!!!
:: Bobby Bokista ::
Article Index :: Front Page
|
|
