Okay, call me old fashioned, but when has it ever been necessary to “transition to a roll at any moment”? That’s what Heely’s Wheel Shoes Company claims “athletes of all skill levels” can do when they’re wearing shoes with wheels located in the heels.
Image Courtesy DesertNews.com
I’m sure you’ve seen these before assuming you’ve ever been in a public place. I’m sorry, let me be more specific. A public place in which commerce is taking place. That’s more like it. You’ll be pushing your cart around in Target, loading up on candles, luggage, bedding, and dog food, when suddenly a three-foot blur screams around the corner nearly knocking you over.
Three-foot tall athletes? Is that what Heely’s meant when they said “atheletes of all skill levels”? Or did they really mean snot-nosed kids (both boys and girls) whose parents are either a) on too much valium, b) are too busy thinking about the GPS system in their Escalade, or c) have already popped out a few ankle-biters and have just given up hope.
I’ll be blunt here: I have an almost unacceptable desire to just throw out an elbow and knock one of these kids in the jaw. Almost. “Oh, not so smooth now, are you? Yeah, you can’t strafe on wheels, douche!” I cannot think of on instance where it’s reasonable to want to be rolling. These shoes have nothing to do with athletics and everything to do with kids who can’t sit still. I’m not just gonna single out the A.D.D. variety here. This goes far beyond that.
We, the twenty-somethings of the United States, had some stupid shoes growing up. L.A. Lights, B.K. Ratchtech, and even Pumps… but at least we weren’t hurting anybody but ourselves. But these free-wheelin’ children of the new millenium (note: Anyone whose first video game console was the Playstation is automatically on my shit-list until otherwise proven worthy) are scuffing up floors, getting in the way of older/more important people, and may not end up socially adjusted (trust me, I’m a psycholoiatriatrist).
One of my co-workers from this past summer may have put it best when he told off the twelve year old kid skating around the movie theater lobby. This kid was at the candy counter begging for money from us to buy himself food for the movie he seemed not to care about missing. He finally bought a cup of nacho cheese (the cheapest thing the concession stand sold) and, continuing to mill about the lobby, started bothering aforementioned employee. Said employee informed Dr. Heely Wheelie that kids like him were the reason that he smoked — so that it would be okay when he gets lung cancer and dies earlier such that he doesn’t have to put up with their kind. Harsh words to throw at an eleven year old who has nothing better to do than beg for nacho cheese, but life-lessons come from the most unexpected places?
The solution? A little kumbayah session, The Office style (watch the last few minutes here). Teach them not to wear those stupid shoes. At least tell them to wear Air Jordans that are twice as expensive… then people will beat them up not for being r-tards, but because they actually want their shoes.
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