Forty years ago, baseball cards were the main genre of collectible card for kids (and, growing out of those earlier generations, adults as well). At the risk of being overly imprecise, I’ll just arbitrarily say that non-sport collectible card sets really “took off” about 25 years ago. This, of course, is coming from a guy who has a complete set of Bill & Ted’s Most Atypical Trading Cards. Hey, I’ll buy anything if it’s cheap enough! Anyway, something known as the “collectible card game” swept onto the scene in 1993. My friends were playing the mack-daddy game of them all, Magic: The Gathering, by 1994 and the rest is (was) history. Meaning–collectible card games stole a lot of thunder out of the sports card market, but what’s more, they rendered most of the non-sports card market totally obsolete. Think about how awesome that Bill & Ted set would have been if there were an actual game attached to it (and not just the elaborate Bill & Ted drinking game that I have been working on in my spare moments between writing essays on films). Think about that! Oh, and for the record, I no longer actively play that crazy Magic game, just the occasional bout with the dude who runs this website. As you can see, both of us must be pretty damn convinced that other people think we’re cool, because with websites like that and this one here, we’re probably not winning any new converts based on our e-interests. But this edition of “Weird Stuff” is not about Magic, sports, or anything so vaguely noble. Nope. This little write-up is concerned with a very recent set of non-sport trading cards boisterously called HOLLYWOOD ZOMBIES!!!

“THEY’RE RICH, THEY’RE FAMOUS, THEY’RE DEAD.”  Now more than ever, Americans are obsessed with two things: celebritydom and zombies.  The celebrity part is easy.  Whole industries revolve around monitoring the personal lives and current whereabouts of mega movie stars.  More people know about Lindsay Lohan–erm, I mean Lindsay Loco, as I explain below–and her problems with Johnny Law and Johnny Substance Abuse than know how many amendments there are to the U.S. Constitution.  If you don’t know about either of these, look ‘em up.

Zombies have “been around” for a while.  The recent wave of zombie-worship in the culture at large has spawned two books (1 and 2) about zombies in the movies, a popular novel told as oral history, several films from Romero and his followers, and that bizarre phenomenon known as the zombie walk.  Those smart guys at Topps must have realized that they could exploit two fan bases (the celebrity crowd AND the zombie devotee) in one lumbering and uncoordinated swoop.  They may or may not have been right.

This box of novelty cards is the “mystery item” that I picked up at Hollywood Video a few weeks ago.  I spent 10 cents a pack.  The clerk was nice enough to throw in the display box as a token of “thanks for getting these out of our store” gratitude.  So what are these “Hollywood Zombie” cards?  Well, they a set of well illustrated (though highly repetitive) send-ups to celebrity defects.  You see, it isn’t just enough to have a picture of Donald Trump, I mean Donald Stump, lording over a table of entrails, waving a dismembered leg in the air, all whilst standing next to his zombiefied wife Melania and a sign for his show “The Appendage.”  No, that’s not enough.  You see, these cards have parody headlines and stories (from parody tabloids, websites, etc) to boot!  In old Stumpy’s case, its a headline fresh, I mean flesh, from the NY COMPOST, Page SixSixSix: “Zombie Donald Rips Reality Show Contestant a New One - And Then Some!”  Oh, and if you haven’t picked it up by now, direct attacks on people and their celebrity ways is technically avoided because all of these stars have PUN NAMES.  See “Deaddie Murphy.”  I won’t ruin the set for anybody interested in picking these up, but some winners include Spawn Penn, Sylvester Headstone, and Michael Retcheds (who stands next to a sign that says “The Gaffe Factory: Starring KKKramer” as he is pelted by sticks of dynamite and old timey bombs thrown by a clearly African-American audience).  Yes, folks, these cards are like some zombie films.  They have absolutely no taste or tact.

There are 72 cards in the main set (including a cheap-ass checklist card and a “Hollywood Zombies Title Card” that sets up the series) as well as a set of 10 “mug shot” cards that have a glow-in-the-dark component.  Add randomly inserted foil cards and you’ve got a recipe for sales!  Despite opening 12 packs, I only walked away with 3 foils and 4 mug shots.  Now, excuse me while I ponder these ghastly cards and promptly bury them in a sock drawer for the rest of eternity.