Virtual Fools

To call ourselves the “Instant Messenger Generation” may be a little much, but there is no doubt the various instant messaging programs are essential sources of communication. Since, in the grand scheme of things, IM programs are recent developments the standards of conduct, communication protocol, and etiquette are still being developed. It is with this in mind that I’m going to take it upon myself to discuss the implications of one of the major AOL Instant Messenger components: Away Messages.
The popularity of Away Message critiquing has increased in the last couple of years so I do recognize that I’m not the first person to think about this stuff… but I do have the opportunity to express these opinions publicly. As with profiles, there are numerous types of construction possibilities for away messages. As a certified asshole it is my job to be hypocritical and make fun of all the different types. So here goes!
I am away from my computer right now.

Come on! Please! At least take ten seconds to write something on your own. This message is the default for AIM. This is the message most commonly used by people who don’t use Instant Messenger all that often. You can normally assume that the person only signs onto their screen name at a friend’s house or in a computer lab where they wouldn’t have an arsenal of saved Away Messages (not like they had any to begin with). Also, along with this message is the “I am playing a game that takes up the whole screen” message. Seeing the generic default font and either of these messages ensures that I won’t leave you a message when you’re away and I probably won’t take the time to IM you when you come back. At least do something like this:
BRB; Hold Up; Back In a Minute; Away

These are the generic placeholder away messages. This leads me to believe that you were magically whisked away by some kidnapper and only had enough time to type a few last things or that there’s something really important to be done (like take a dump — which I totally respect). One of these is most often thrown up in the middle of a conversation instead of saying “brb” to everyone you are talking to. While this is kind of rude, I can understand that it might be necessary to do every once in a while. If I end up playing Away Message Tag with you because of these then I officially call you an asshole and move you down into the fourth category of my buddy list (just below “Creepy Online Friends” if you catch my meaning). Keep these to a minimum and everyone is much better off.
The Song Lyricist

I’m sure your OAR lyrics are very touching and mean a lot to you… but if I can’t tell from the lyrics what you are doing then you’re doing something wrong. I am a song lyrics fiend every once and a while and I will throw them up there like it is nobody’s business (which it isn’t so stop checking my away message every two minutes… freak). I usually try to add a tag on the bottom to indicate what this song lyric is being used for. For example, if it’s something 80’s, the colors are teal and purple, and you know me well enough, you can most likely assume that I’m playing Vice City. At one point I made Gorillaz away messages using their weird ass lyrics but related them to what ever I was doing and explained it at the bottom. This provides the creativity of the lyric with the convenience of the explanation. Give me a second to find an example of a bad lyric message on my buddy list. [20 seconds later]. Okay, I got one.

My only assumption is that you’re meeting Virginia. And you know what? That’s probably wrong. So why, then, did I have to read the whole damn first verse? Gimme a good two or three lines if you’re giving me lyrics. It makes it more meaningful and its less of a pain in the ass. I hatehaving to scroll down to read the entirety of an away message.

Waiter, there’s a butterfly in my soup. LOL!

I try to avoid this one as often as I can but you can call me out on it every once in a while: The inside joke away message. Obviously you are not important enough to be included in the inner sanctum if you don’t know what “COLLEGE! WOO!” means. Obviously I don’t know you well enough if you can’t understand why I’m “Above the marketplace” when I’m asleep or you think I’m a tool when I say, “The ship that made the Castle Run in under 12 parsecs!” (Yes, I do know its Kessel but it’s not funny that way if you know what a Castle Run is… which you don’t cuz I haven’t told you because I’m an asshole.) A lot of times these inside references aren’t on purpose and fall into the next category.
At Monroe-WC using the ITC DEFG!

I don’t go to your college… I don’t know what the hell the Monroe-WC is, I don’t know what the hell ITC stands for… but I totally respect it. “Sleep or FG, then I at least know that you are out around your campus (Grounds for the folk at my academical village) and you are getting something done. Good for you! I can deduce what type of work you may be doing through the context of the away message. “2nd Floor Clemons – Gettin’ It Done” may not make sense to you… but I’m getting it done! Some progress is being made: whether in academics, extracurriculars, or maybe I’m working out. (Note to reader: this third one will never find its way onto my away messages). This is a great indication that when you return you’ll probably want to talk to me because I’m so cool and you missed me while you were away. This also means that if you IM me while I’m away in such a state I’ll be more likely to IM you back because you care enough to tell me something even though I’m busy already. Oh. If you use three or more college references that aren’t blatantly obvious I will not talk to you ever again, delete your screen name, but spare you the angst of being moved into buddy list section 2. (I gotta draw the line somewhere, right?)
I get by.

This comes from one of my away messages where I think I’m being really funny.

These away messages will you give you a glimpse into the world of a conversation that I was having before I went away. Generally I think something I said or one of my friends said is clever and worth displaying for the entire world to see. I know you’re guilty of this too. We all are. It’s like a guilty pleasure to express that we have our funny moments. Sure an away message of this caliber is good every once in a while… but it shouldn’t be made a daily thing. It doesn’t tell me what you’re doing even though it gives me a chuckle. Throw these messages up when you know lots of people are gonna be online to read it and then get over yourself soon afterwards.

Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. – George BurnsIt’s about 12 midnight and I see an idle screen name with this away message. I can only assume that this person is asleep or an insomniac. Much like the lyrical messages, this situational quotation gives me a little bit of insight into what you’re doing without coming out and saying it directly. I dig that. If it’s around 3 in the afternoon and you have an away message something “Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina in the morning,” I’m gonna be a little disappointed. I’m sure Carolina is a fine place in the A.M. but the sun has past its noon spot in the sky and something a little more timely would be appropriate. If you’ve been away for the last 7 hours I can understand… but if it’s been a good solid 20 minutes I highly suggest reevalutating your situation. After all, everyone is reading what you say and are going to be delighted to point out your lack of understanding for time. And don’t you dare give me that “it’s 5 O’clock Somewhere” Alan Jackson / Jimmy Buffet bullshit since it isn’t unless it is exactly on the hour because time zones aren’t divided into halves on the official Coordinated Universal Time system. (If you don’t believe me check out this website for various times all over the world… Time and Date.com ).
[smiley]

This is by and far the most offensive away message possible. It especially offends when I have the inclination to assume that you are drunk. Who do you think you are getting away with using the stupid smiley with the sunglasses? Only on rare occasions should you use this smiley in real conversation much less leave it as the only indication of where and why you are away from your Instant Messenger. Please spare me the 10 seconds it takes to click on your name and find out that you are feeling . Just sign off your god damned computer if this is all you have for me. I’m serious. Quit it.
This one has nothing to do with away messages itself… but relates to the last thing I just said. It is not impressive for me to check your Online Time and see that you have been signed on for 4 days and 13 hours. Chances are if this is the case you probably have been actually at the computer a total of 4 hours and 13 minutes in that amount of time. Half of that was spent checking your e-mail, a quarter of it was signing on and off of Kazaa so that you can download and the feds can’t track you (note: this does not work), and the other quarter was spent reading away messages.

My recommendations are as follows:

• Switch up your away message repertoire every once in a while.
• Give me an indication of what you’re doing.
• Once finished with said indicated activity update your status.
• Make a sweet ass reference to something 80s.
• Also, this quote from Old School is accepted everywhere like VISA:

Frank: I told my wife I wouldn’t drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.

College Student: A big day? Doing what?

Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday; we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.