Article Index :: Front Page
O.C. Part 2: Takin' A Swing At Mini Golf
By Bobby Bokista - 08.17.04
Miniature Golf is the sport of kings. Without timing, skill, patience, a keen eye, a basic understanding of geometry and physics, a Ph.D. in nuclear fission, and a hell of a lot of luck, you will get eaten alive out there! Which is why we take every opportunity to train ourselves mentally and physically on the hurdles of this grand competition. Ocean City is great because of two words: "Pro" and "Old". Now, these don't necessarily come in that order. In fact, they don't. No, instead they should be switched to be read as:
This is basically the whole reason we came on this trip. Sure, the boardwalk is always entertaining, the water slightly cold, and the SENIOR WEEK is in abundance... but none of these can compete with mini golf. The first course we played was what was usually circus/castle golf. But upon pulling up we saw this 'Come Play 27 Holes Here' thing and got slightly confused. Circus golf is 18 holes. Castle golf is 18 holes. 18 + 18 = 36. Which I think is a different number than 27. Which is why I was a little scared. Which is why I was late opening the video store. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah. I suppose someone thought circus golf didn't have the flare it once had back in the day when circuses were big things and a loaf of bread was 27 cents. They had gotten rid of 9 holes and consolidated the entire complex into a giant Castle golf course.
The Castle is an impressive structure, to say the least. This is why we play Old Pro. They waste no expensive in providing the awesome. Oh. And you can play as much golf as you want before the game begins... using the 'Practice Putt Green'. Or should I say abusing. BWAHAHAHA. Man we are evil.
Both Kevin and I agree that 27 hole Castle golf is more worthwhile than 36 Circus. The following documents our exploits to get to the castle, our ensuing siege of said structure, jumping of the ruins of the stage, and pee-peeing on the ashes.
We were strolling along all peacefully around the tracts of land surrounding the castle when a pair of maniac bears attacked! RUN KEVIN, RUN!!! THERE IS NO TIME TO DECIDE! MAKE YOUR MOVE! These bears (possible werebears) were under the spell of the evil Frapa Chino, a gypsy from the North. Perhaps he was hired as a mercenary or just for grounds patrol. Whatever the case, me made short work of him and then made a short stack of pancakes... BEAR PANCAKES!!!!
Our next task was to sneak past the jousting knights. One has to take many precautions when deceiving Riders of the Crown. The Grey Knight and the Black Knight were too busy comparing the size of their... lances to even notice as we walked on past. This curious behavior captivated our attention. We watched from afar as the two riders charged at each other... but something even weirder happened. The Black Knight began moving backward before the Grey Knight even reached him. Looks like The Kingdom of Old Pro needs to rework the timing mechanism on the motor of their jousters. With this behind us we looked for a way to sneak into the castle. Perhaps we could sneak aboard a goods cart and ride in like the Trojans. But which one? Ah, that one looks good. But wait, there's a small problem!
OH MY GOD, DONKEY IS DRIVING! HOW CAN THAT BE?!
Jimmy found a way around though while lining up a shot. We would have to crawl through this hole and move around the back of the castle (where the moat had stopped). That'll be perfect, but first we need to take out some guards around the side.
While loading the catapult, Andy seemed to have lost his ball somewhere in the thick forest. We loaded up the catapult with bad jokes to fire while Andy was looking for his balls. BA-ZING!
IMMORTALITY IS OVER THAT WALL! TAKE IT!! IT'S YOURS!!!
"Shall I describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?"
"The dog? You're named after the dog?!?!"
Okay... perhaps that movie quote doesn't belong. It's the thought that counts, right? FUCK YOU.
You can't judge me. Only the Iron Maiden can judge me!
HA! What an empty threat. Ooh. Big whoop. It's nothing but a sign. Besides, we had full control over the castle. Our siege was successful and
we pillaged and plundered without even giving a hoot. Nope, not a single hoot. But our fortune would soon change. Kevin has always been the roughest member of the crew.
His actions are always a little sketchy and his motives always dishonest.
So there we are on the 19th hole putting to see who was going to get first dibs on the fine cask ales in the cellar. Jimmy shot a 4, Andy and I shot a 3. Kevin shot a 2 and did a small victory dance. He then told us he would see us after he picked his favorite barrel. He only got to take one step to the right before some unseen hand dragged him across the room and directly into the iron maiden. As if some banshee had possessed him and used her voice from his mouth he, screamed, THE CHEATERS REWAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDD!!!
And then the banshee screamed through him, ITHACA IS GORGEEEESSS!!!!
Yeah, that's about accurate. This siege of the castle was proclaimed the "War for the Winner Gets To Fuck the Prom Queen". It would be King Ding-A-Ling here who opened up the way for me to earn the said title of "winner" in relation to the name of the war.
Show me the way to go home, baby!
And I'll show you the way to walk like your sleeping with royalty... Or sleeping with a horny dragon.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Article Index :: Front Page
|
|
